Next To Normal - Because No One Said Life Would Be Easy

I'm the ME/spot op for Next To Normal this month, opening this past Friday, and, I'll tell ya what, it has been kind of rough on me. Initially, I was really excited to be working on this particular show, given that it revolves around a bipolar woman, and that's something I can relate to. Now that we're through tech week and opening weekend and I've stopped crying during every show, I'm starting to realize just how challenging this experience is for me.

I was diagnosed with bipolar two years and five months ago. I've spent a fair bit of time over that period trying to figure out how to explain bipolar, explain why "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "How are you?", explain why sometimes I renege on plans, don't answer the phone or call you back, don't follow through, avoid people, and then WHAM! A piece of theatre - which, if you know me, you know is pretty much my lifeblood - that, in act I, makes me feel like I'm watching a part of myself on the stage, explaining everything I've been trying to, in song.

In the past, theatre has been an escape. A chance to pretend to be someone else, to get lost in someone else's life for a while. With this show, it suddenly ceases to be that escape and instead becomes a very real interpretation of the life I actually live. While bipolar manifests differently in different people and Diana's is more severe than mine, she and I still share the fundamental highs and lows.

At one point in the show, Diana is seeing her psychiatrist for regular medication adjustments and reports to him that she doesn't feel anything. The doctor notes that this means she is stable - a comment that has repeatedly made audience members laugh. This is, I think, the only audience reaction to this show that has really bothered me. Are they laughing because they're uncomfortable, or do they actually find this sad truth to be funny? I've had a similar experience with my own doctor, and it's not even funny in hindsight. I've been on lithium (see previous post), I've tried drugs that work, drugs that don't work, drugs that give me rashes and headaches, I've seen counselors, done workbooks, I've taken myself off meds, put myself back on meds, and I've self medicated (though mostly with exercise, caffeine, and the chiropractor). I put a lot of work into trying to stay myself, haha.

People have spent a lot of time trying to talk to me about controlling my mood swings, and in doing this show, I've learned that, for me, it's not about controlling my highs and lows because, in all honesty, I can't. I am made acutely aware on a near daily basis just how little control I have over the comings and goings of my highs and lows. What's more important is how I react to and use these swings. I am lucky enough to have a fairly high level of self awareness, but I'm still learning how to manipulate my depression and hypomania into something more accessible and usable and I'm sure I will spend the rest of my life working on that task - something I'm finally coming to terms with.

All I can really say right now is thank you to the cast and crew of Next To Normal. In some small way you have all, even unknowingly, contributed to my betterment and sanity.

work, in so many ways

I've been overwhelmed lately. In the spring I auditioned for a show at the Civic, and got a part. We opened this past Friday, had a great audience, a fun show, and I'm looking forward to two more weekends of performances. This is, however, the first big part I've had in a show in eight years and it was definitely a stressful process. I'm no longer used to memorizing lines or tight, three-part harmonies with choreographed pseudo-ballet movement attached. I've really spent a lot of the rehearsal process re-learning how to be a performer, among other things.

A little over two weeks ago, I applied for the temporary master electrician job at the same theatre. I've now held that position for a week and a half, and while I'm not as stressed out as I thought I'd be going in, I'm still not used to thinking about the lighting for three shows at once, plus setting up for a fundraiser event. And I have an intern. As in, I'm someone's BOSS. It's crazy! I'm worried because I don't have a whole ton of experience, but they knew that when they hired me.

Two days ago, I got an email from one of the board members at Farmers Alley asking if I'd stage manage a two-day gala-type event that he and his family are wanting to put on in the space in November.

I also have nearly 1200 wedding photos to edit.

I am completely exhausted, but here I am, awake at 12:30 on a Sunday night, thinking about getting some tea before bed.

Running Shoes

Yep, I'm a slacker.

Yesterday, I got running shoes.

In other news, life! I've been cast in a show at the Civic, opening in October, so that's exciting! I also have another ME gig at Farmers Alley as well as some possible work in Saugatuck.

I've been feeling pretty strong lately, which is probably why I haven't written, but, knowing me, there's always something going on in my head - it just needs to be pinned down!

I went shooting with a friend today (cameras, not guns) and in the pictures of me, my arms just look so...thin. I didn't think I looked like a skeletor until today. And it's not my whole body, just my arms and shoulders. Do you know what that means? Yea, weightlifting. I wish I could afford to still have a gym membership.

But then, this man at the theatre told me I'm beautiful.

Not Actually Lost!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately.

I wrote that line and saved this post to drafts. Now, I'm teching a show at the Civic (33 Variations - go see it!!), I have a solid number of hours at Chenery in May, and I'll be the ME + spot op for a show down at Farmers Alley in June. When I have nothing to occupy my time, I get lost. It might actually be the lack of time in theatres that creates an illusion of being lost. Either way, I am well and happy. And I finally read The Hunger Games! I wasn't impressed with the writing, but the story is really well thought-out.

I've been doing a lot of knitting and sewing to fill my days, but last Saturday - a week and a half ago, I mean, the day before Easter - I spent a few hours in the hospital with a friend who tried to commit suicide. I'm concerned with how big a part this plays in my life.

I can't focus on this right now. I have to go to rehearsal.

I have an amazing life. I really, really do.

A Theatrical Chronography

At age 7, I took my first acting class.
At age 9, I teched my first show.
At age 11, I performed in my first musical.
At age 12, I saw my first Broadway cast.
At age 15, I got my first leading role.
At age 17, I had my first on-stage kiss.
At age 19, I assistant directed my first show.
At age 21, I stage managed my first show.
And now, at age 23, I have received my first credit as assistant lighting designer.

When I was younger, theatre was a source of great catharsis for me. I loved pretending to be someone else, I loved singing every thought and feeling, and, let's be honest, I loved being the center of attention (and still do! haha). Theatre taught me self-awareness, how to read people, and the value of silence, among other things. I just wish I could say it taught me comedic timing!

My mother always used to tell me to settle on a career, to just pick something, and my response generally expressed my inability to choose because I wanted to do everything! Now that I'm immersed in the technical aspects of theatre and have both time and opportunity to absorb as much knowledge as I can, I've realized that this is exactly why I am so enraptured with the entire theatrical process. I want to do everything, and theatre provides that for me. Every show gives me the chance to learn something new about almost anything; carpentry and construction, electrical, finance, music, sewing, dancing, speaking, light, composition, acoustics, computers, metalworking, combat, history, people.

Last night was the first opportunity I've had to sit down and actually watch Phantom of the Opera at Portage Central. I was absolutely blown away! The production value is incredible, the cast is fantastically talented, and it is amazing to see all of my hours of work come to fruition. "My" scenes - the ones where my lighting work played a major part - made my jaw drop. Seriously, the rooftop scene nearly made me cry! I am so lucky to have the opportunity to work with and learn from the rest of the staff on this production. They are not only brilliant at their respective jobs but also really incredible people.

I can't believe that this is what I do for a living.

Here is where I begin the year

Still nothing back from Matt after my response to his angry, holiday-hating letter.

Moving in a few short weeks! I need to start packing. And redo my budget. Speaking of...

Things I can potentially cut from my budget:
clothes, hair dye, Netflix, craft supplies (unless they start earning some revenue, of course)

Ways I can earn money to pay for things:
- Applied at a couple of places, Goodwill included.
- Going to start making aprons. A lot of aprons. The one I made mi madre for Christmas turned out so well I'm thinking about selling them.

THEATRE!:
- I was asked to help the lighting designer and ME for Phantom of the Opera at Portage Central! SO PUMPED! I anticipate a ton of learning coming my way.
- I'm possibly going to SM a cabaret for Center Stage in March!
- Not working at Farmer's Alley again until Light in the Piazza in June. I don't know if I can go that long without a show there! Maybe I can work God of Carnage in April as well.
- This will be the year I audition for All Ears. Seriously. I don't know why I've never actually done it before.
- Applying to be a class assistant for winter workshops down at the Civic. Never hurts!

it doesn't feel like Christmas.

Despite the fact that I've been working a Christmas cabaret show for the last 3 weeks, it doesn't feel like December, let alone the week before Christmas. I haven't done any shopping. I haven't put up decorations (save at work). I ordered Sam's gift, I'll be painting my parent's kitchen as their gift, and I got fabric to make my mom an apron, and that's it! Basically, this has been a $30 Christmas. While I don't have a consistent job right now, I feel like I should be spending/giving/donating more of my money...because I have some and I can do that.

I do have Christmas cards, however I feel disinclined to send them out. Hrm.

Trevor was here yesterday! It was really good to see him for a few hours.
It was also good to spend time with Rex at 4th last night.
Next Friday I have plans with Hoe!
People I need to call: AL, KJ, Mikey, Caitlin

my work schedule this week

Sunday: 1h15-4 (2.75 hrs)
Monday: 2h3-5 (2.5 hrs)
Tuesday: 7a-2h3, 6h45-9h30 (10.25 hrs)
Wednesday: 7a-12h3, 2h3-9h3 (12.5 hrs)
Thursday: 10a-3h3, 6h45-10p (8.25 hrs)
Friday: 7h15-10p (2.75 hrs)
Saturday: 7h15-10p (2.75 hrs)

= 41.75 hours split between 3 different theatres.
Awesome.

Somewhere in the cosmos, it was decided that I would be happy

Today was day 3 of my partial and unofficial unemployment. That piece of information is very important.

I woke up late and rushed up to the high school to work with some of the techie kids. "Angry Uncle" Keith (tech master) didn't know I was going to come, and I told him that since I no longer have a full time job I was planning on hanging around and helping out. He then asked if I was willing to work for minimum wage and if I could show up at Chenery downtown tomorrow at 1pm and they would see about putting me on the payroll. PAYROLL. Three business days after I stop working in the doctor's office. Granted, being on payroll doesn't mean I'll be working consistently - but at this point I hardly care! I'm just too excited!

This evening, I went to rehearsal for the show I'm working right now - The Winter Wonderettes at Farmer's Alley Theatre.  I stayed late and helped the lighting designer and the ME hang can lights, cut gels, and general electrical schtuff.

Did I mention that instead of running my spot tomorrow, I'll be paid to take pictures of the show? Sandy changed her head shot that's on display in the lobby to one that I took of her a few weeks ago and I got some nice compliments and a request for head shots from Roger, the SM. They're going to pay me a little bit extra for the photos, too!

AND I'm dating a spectacular human/man/guy.

If the only things wrong with my life right now are that I've screwed up my sleep schedule and I'm addicted to caffeine, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well.

I'm not sure this post deserves a title

This show is making me miserable. We open Friday. I keep getting yelled at for things I have no control over.

This is why they tell you not to make a career out of the one thing you love more than anything.

time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

Time is a funny thing. Timing seems to be even more funny. I think the universe is telling me that I have made exactly the choices I was supposed to make. Last week I did head shots for an actress I work with at the theatre. Because she and I met up at the theatre before our shoot, the executive director asked me to take a couple of publicity shots for the show they're currently rehearsing - in exchange for free tickets to the show! It's days/weeks/months like this when I really sit down and think "Yes, Carrie, someday you really will be able to make a living as a photographer!"


I got a photography job! Well, ok, my friend Ben got me a photography job. Freelance, of course, but a gig is a gig! And the coordinator said that if the shoot tomorrow morning goes well, there will be more opportunities for me to work with her company. I'll be driving up to Grand Rapids tomorrow morning to spend some time in a high school classroom taking photos of the teacher. I am so excited!

Yesterday I did engagement photos for my friends Nathan and Tricha. Some of them turned out so well! I'm excited to show them.

"If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories." -From Donnie Darko

I've been reading Vonnegut.

So, SO exhausted.

Saturday Bridgette and I drove to Livonia and shot a wedding. On the way home I shut my toes in the car door. So it goes.

Sunday I had a 10 hour tech rehearsal for Blood Brothers, which opens this Friday. I've had a 5-6 hour rehearsal every night since. So it goes.

I've been thinking about this boy I'm seeing. He doesn't really like books and I don't get it.

I'm too tired to finish that thought.