thunder rolling

This is MK. She is one of the happiest, sweetest, most enthusiastic people I've ever met. While I could probably fill a post with entertaining stories about all of the time we spent together in high school (like the time we almost got in a car accident on the way to the movies), this post is, selfishly enough, about me.

MK has become the woman I wanted to be. She is motivated to go halfway around the world to do what she can to help others. I have a few friends like this, actually - Matt leaves for the Peace Corp in the fall and Nathan and Tricia spent six months in Haiti last year, among others - and I am thankful to have had these people in my life. Partially because I can enjoy their experiences vicariously, and partially because it throws into focus how the image of my future self has changed with regard to others.

There's a verse from a song I know:

"Turn on my TV, there's a man tellin' me I can stop the hunger that's goin' on overseas. I won't send him my money, 'cause it won't do much good - I got people starvin' in my own neighborhood."

So as I sit here listening to the thunder, I can't help but think about those homeless in Kalamazoo that were grateful for today's warm weather, but are now concerned with finding shelter from the storm. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe it won't actually rain tonight and everyone can rest easy on 60-degree concrete.

I suppose I'm just saying that I think a stronger home base will give us the strength and resources to help those in other communities. I can't single-handedly change national or world politics - not yet, at least - but I have the ability to help those around me.

It's entirely possible that living with a social worker is starting to rub off on me!

making me smile isn't hard...

...but sometimes people surprise me and the smiles mean more.

2 days until Brian comes home!

good friends.

I've been told recently that I'm a good friend. Now this, coming from him, is because I've driven him home drunk on multiple occasions and drove/stayed with him in the ER a couple of months ago. But he's not the only one who's told me this. Rex thanked me for hanging out with him tonight, and he's even written a blog post about me!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about one of my closest friends, because I miss him and I feel like I've been neglecting our relationship. He is hands down the least judgmental person I've ever met, he gives great advice, he's fiercely loyal, and really is absolutely inspiring. I think that's the number one thing he's taught me; you don't have to save lives, write powerful words, or advocate for important causes to be inspiring. You just have to be a good person.

My favorite thing about us is how, regardless of time spent apart, we always fall right back into conversation like we spoke yesterday. I can honestly say that if, for some reason, I ever get married, I will most likely ask him to be my man of honor. I can't imagine my life without him.

So ok, maybe this all sounds a little creepy, or a little like I'm in love with him, but he has been my best friend for 15 years - and when you've only been alive for 23, that's a pretty long time.

This post didn't end up taking the direction I expected.

Drive fast, take chances.

just the two of us

Dear Bipolar,

Happy one month anniversary! I only wish that we had been able to make this work in that amount of time. I am also worried about our children - I do appreciate you taking my child from a previous relationship under your wing; my dear Wellbutrin is indeed thriving. It is our baby Lithium that worries me most. What sort of effect will he have on the world? Will he be as docile as his sister, or continue down the darker path of hostility? I know my questions can only really be answered with time, so I will try my best to be patient in the hope that our relationship and the life of our son will turn out for the best.

And from now on I shall try my best to have this attitude: you didn't happen to me, I happened to you.

You're stuck with me,

Carrie

spoonful of sugar

this was my attempt at sanity. this blog. this collection of thoughts and writings and emotion. but you know what I realized yesterday? having this outlet, this tiny speck in all of internetdom, will do me absolutely zero good if this is the only place I attempt sanity. because if I don't wake up every morning and say "I'm going to make this work for me", then it won't. simple as that. it's only a shame it took me so long to realize that. ok, so it took me 2 weeks. but it was a miserable two weeks! haha

tomorrow I see my shrink and my new therapist.

if I let that fact that I'm fucked up fuck me up, then that would be so fucked up!

introducing Bart, one of my best friends

Bart is one of those people that I have complete trust in and will say anything to regardless of the amount of time that passes between us talking/hanging out. we've been friends since...well, my mom used to babysit him and his sisters when we were in elementary school, so there ya go.

we were talking last night about our respective mental health issues, and he sent me this text:

"Dang. Idk if this is any help but you being bipolar doesn't change the fact that you're carrie and you're a great person that's incredibly fun to be around. just because you have something a doctor told you doesn't change that. I know it sounds corny, but you're a good person and as far as I can tell hat hasn't changed. I think as long as you remember the things and people you love...I don't think there's a drug that can take that from you. for whatever that's worth. I can't speak for what a drug will do, but if you keep what you love, I don't feel like you can lose. You just have to make a choice to make the best of whatever you're dealt. I know that probably sounds ridiculously hard at this point...but as cliche as it sounds if you just focus on the little things, the big things will take care of themselves. might sound stupid, but I really think that if you keep focused on who you are and what makes you carrie, you'll be fine."

I thanked him for being grounding. and for helping me slowly pull myself together. mostly I just want to keep a record of what he said to me, so I posted it here.

back to my knitting.