so there's these lists...

I know I've written at least a semi-religious post before, but today I discovered these lists posted on my roommates Facebook wall:

15 Reasons I Left Church
15 Reasons I Returned to the Church

They're interesting, if you're into that sort of thing - which I am, so I'm going to play with them! Yay!

Tonight's Topic: 15 Reasons I Left Church according to RHE

A Theatrical Chronography

At age 7, I took my first acting class.
At age 9, I teched my first show.
At age 11, I performed in my first musical.
At age 12, I saw my first Broadway cast.
At age 15, I got my first leading role.
At age 17, I had my first on-stage kiss.
At age 19, I assistant directed my first show.
At age 21, I stage managed my first show.
And now, at age 23, I have received my first credit as assistant lighting designer.

When I was younger, theatre was a source of great catharsis for me. I loved pretending to be someone else, I loved singing every thought and feeling, and, let's be honest, I loved being the center of attention (and still do! haha). Theatre taught me self-awareness, how to read people, and the value of silence, among other things. I just wish I could say it taught me comedic timing!

My mother always used to tell me to settle on a career, to just pick something, and my response generally expressed my inability to choose because I wanted to do everything! Now that I'm immersed in the technical aspects of theatre and have both time and opportunity to absorb as much knowledge as I can, I've realized that this is exactly why I am so enraptured with the entire theatrical process. I want to do everything, and theatre provides that for me. Every show gives me the chance to learn something new about almost anything; carpentry and construction, electrical, finance, music, sewing, dancing, speaking, light, composition, acoustics, computers, metalworking, combat, history, people.

Last night was the first opportunity I've had to sit down and actually watch Phantom of the Opera at Portage Central. I was absolutely blown away! The production value is incredible, the cast is fantastically talented, and it is amazing to see all of my hours of work come to fruition. "My" scenes - the ones where my lighting work played a major part - made my jaw drop. Seriously, the rooftop scene nearly made me cry! I am so lucky to have the opportunity to work with and learn from the rest of the staff on this production. They are not only brilliant at their respective jobs but also really incredible people.

I can't believe that this is what I do for a living.

ridiculous.

I am, again, wide awake at 2h30 am. and I want to go outside a run a mile...or something like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm edging up on hypomania. I'm starting to want to take on a lot of projects and my mind is getting faster - which is funny because the other day I was thinking about how I miss being able to think that quickly. if I start stammering within the next week I'm definitely going to give Dr. M. a call.

here's what will happen:

1. Dr. M. will up my dose
2. Dr. M. will up my dose and give me something to help me sleep
3. Dr. M. will put me back on lithium (I think it's too early to tell on this one)
4. I will become hypomanic and screw something up - probably my job, possibly a friendship or two. not that I have all that many of those left. also, I may (unintentionally) injure myself again.
5. WHY AM I SUDDENLY OBSESSED WITH MAKING LISTS?

the fact that I can't sleep is not helping my mental status at all. seriously, I'm about to start crying. bloody hell. please sleep, I want you!

12-Step Program

How to make April 2011 pretty much awful:

1. Bronchitis
2. Asthma + Bronchitis
3. Stop bipolar meds in exchange for antibiotics and steroids for the bronchitis and asthma
4. No eating because of illnesses
5. Medication change from lithium to oxcarbazepine
6. Oxcarbazepine causing insomnia
7. Irritate tendon and nerve in right elbow
8. Two weeks later tear TFCC in right wrist
9. Moving across town while injured
10. Skip work because of a combination of wrist and elbow pain and medication wooziness
11. No internet for almost the entire month
12. Force myself to stay away from the tattoo parlor

Cyclical

I do believe I have officially entered cycle #3 of my life with depression. And here I was, hoping that it would skip a generation, skip a decade, skip a beat. For the time being, it seems like my depression hits about every 2 years. It generally hits every late summer/early fall, and varies in intensity and functional level.

Cycle #1 (Fall 2006):
Freshman year of college. I thought that was the cause so I did nothing. I handled it relatively well, I think. No medication. No failed classes. Success?

Cycle #2 (Summer/Fall 2008-Winter 2009):
Sonofabitch, worst time of my life. It got so bad I stayed in my dorm for days on end, oscillating between sleeping for 20 hours a night and not sleeping at all. Failed an entire semester of classes. Spent 9 months taking Celexa and different levels of Welbutrin, along with meds to help me put weight back on.

Cycle #3 (Right Now):
Trying to self medicate with exercise - hey, it works for my brother. We'll see how it goes. I have one song on repeat and don't feel like doing anything but sleep. I've been a little late to work every day for the last 2+ weeks but my boss hasn't said anything. Polls open bright and early tomorrow and I'm only a little excited - definitely not a good sign. I should be absolutely stoked to go vote, per usual.

I think I'm going to try and blog the shit out of this sucker.
Ugh.