Happy in the Gray

My friend Rex posted about happiness yesterday, and it got me thinking. Where is it written that we, as humans, are supposed to be happy?

Everyone gets depressed sometimes, true, but not everyone has depression. If we've spoken about it or if you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know that in the past I've been the version of myself that doesn't sing or knit and gets home from work every day to spend six hours sitting on my bedroom floor crying. Because I have been gifted with self-awareness, it's easy enough for me to look at that person and say, "Ok Carrie, this is not you." The trick though, is being able to ask for help once you've reached that realization. There is no doubt in my mind that I am incredibly lucky. Yes, I have bipolar and asthma and a few other medical issues, but I have insurance. I was raised to know that those things can and will be taken care of. Even now, if I didn't have insurance, there are enough drug companies and programs that will give medication for free.

Medication is a challenging thing. For some people taking it is a no-brainer, something they are happy to do. Maybe they see it as a cure, maybe not. Others are staunchly opposed to taking it for a variety of reasons, namely because they don't want to be chemically altered or become dependent. To me, those are the black and white views. I used to be absolutely against taking medication, and then it became a necessary part of my life. Now I like to think I'm happy somewhere in the gray - no longer fighting against my depressed self sans militia simply for fear of dependency, but not succumbing to the false assumption that medication will solve all of my problems.

Here's a secret: I haven't taken my meds in about a month now. How am I doing? A little up a little down - just like everyone else. If I feel myself slipping, I know I can take care of it. My issue at this point though, is that my anti-depressant basically induces my manic rage. I'm working on getting a new drug. I'm glad that I know myself well enough to be able to notice those patterns without the help of a doctor.

I realize that I will probably be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life, and that's ok. That's ok because I know who I am, and it's not the depressed, pathetic version. It's the strong, goofy, nerdy version. Medication doesn't put you in a chemical-happiness bubble, it keeps you from losing your true self to your depression.

And honestly? It helps. So am I happy? Am I depressed? Not all of the time, no. Am I thinking clearly and doing what I feel like I should be doing? For myself, yes. Something that always makes me happy is being able to put a smile on other people's faces. I think that's one of the reasons I seem so motherly some times - because if I know you're sad, I will try and go out of my way to put a smile on your face.

Chemistry Lesson

Several years ago, my friend Chris told me he was going to be a truck driver. He said as long as he was happy at home, it didn't matter what he did for a living. At the time, I couldn't fathom being stuck in a job that I disliked, let alone choosing one, but I think I understand now. I work in an office, and it's your typical boring job: faxing, filing, running around looking for files. I'm not really very fond of it, but it pays the bills and my savings are growing so I really can't complain about the money.

Chris is now going to school for chemistry or biology, I don't remember which exactly.

Mentally and emotionally it's probably not healthy for me to have kept myself in my current job. I'm not fulfilled or challenged, and I'm certainly not excited to get up every day to go to work, but I am learning to take time outside of work to do things for myself. For example, I rewarded the last six months of hard work and exercise by buying tiny neon shorts. I know, it's not actually that exciting, but it's something. I like to go on walks, I like to knit, and read. I'm learning to stop fixating on how much I dislike my job and finding other ways to make myself smile.

Speaking of smiling, the other day I had a gentleman over and we made chocolate covered bacon. If you've never tried this before, you really should - even if you think it sounds gross. He is...something. I feel like I might get weirdly gushy if I go into detail so I'll just say that I love his playful confidence.

And I get to go to the chiropractor in the morning. Manipulations are better than therapy.

this is post 50.

this is the post where I choose to be happy.
really fucking happy.
and this is the post where I sing loudly and sometimes out of tune.

I think I'm overdue for a happy post!

I am currently in a state of happiness.
Uncle Gary brought me an awesome Irish rock cd that was recorded in his garage.
Last night, I laughed. A lot and loudly. I was hyper and a little bit giddy and it was fantastic.
I like food.
It's rainy! Perfect weather for staying in and trying to finish knitting my vest! When I'm done hopefully I can get Sam to model it and take some cool photos. And here she comes into my room!