Next To Normal - Because No One Said Life Would Be Easy

I'm the ME/spot op for Next To Normal this month, opening this past Friday, and, I'll tell ya what, it has been kind of rough on me. Initially, I was really excited to be working on this particular show, given that it revolves around a bipolar woman, and that's something I can relate to. Now that we're through tech week and opening weekend and I've stopped crying during every show, I'm starting to realize just how challenging this experience is for me.

I was diagnosed with bipolar two years and five months ago. I've spent a fair bit of time over that period trying to figure out how to explain bipolar, explain why "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "How are you?", explain why sometimes I renege on plans, don't answer the phone or call you back, don't follow through, avoid people, and then WHAM! A piece of theatre - which, if you know me, you know is pretty much my lifeblood - that, in act I, makes me feel like I'm watching a part of myself on the stage, explaining everything I've been trying to, in song.

In the past, theatre has been an escape. A chance to pretend to be someone else, to get lost in someone else's life for a while. With this show, it suddenly ceases to be that escape and instead becomes a very real interpretation of the life I actually live. While bipolar manifests differently in different people and Diana's is more severe than mine, she and I still share the fundamental highs and lows.

At one point in the show, Diana is seeing her psychiatrist for regular medication adjustments and reports to him that she doesn't feel anything. The doctor notes that this means she is stable - a comment that has repeatedly made audience members laugh. This is, I think, the only audience reaction to this show that has really bothered me. Are they laughing because they're uncomfortable, or do they actually find this sad truth to be funny? I've had a similar experience with my own doctor, and it's not even funny in hindsight. I've been on lithium (see previous post), I've tried drugs that work, drugs that don't work, drugs that give me rashes and headaches, I've seen counselors, done workbooks, I've taken myself off meds, put myself back on meds, and I've self medicated (though mostly with exercise, caffeine, and the chiropractor). I put a lot of work into trying to stay myself, haha.

People have spent a lot of time trying to talk to me about controlling my mood swings, and in doing this show, I've learned that, for me, it's not about controlling my highs and lows because, in all honesty, I can't. I am made acutely aware on a near daily basis just how little control I have over the comings and goings of my highs and lows. What's more important is how I react to and use these swings. I am lucky enough to have a fairly high level of self awareness, but I'm still learning how to manipulate my depression and hypomania into something more accessible and usable and I'm sure I will spend the rest of my life working on that task - something I'm finally coming to terms with.

All I can really say right now is thank you to the cast and crew of Next To Normal. In some small way you have all, even unknowingly, contributed to my betterment and sanity.

Falling Awake

Lately I've been feeling stuck part way between stable and depressed. I can't quite seem to boost myself out of the hole, even though I can see over the top just a little bit.

I've had that skin-stretched-back feeling in my face a lot lately, and last Friday night I had a panic attack when I tried to go grocery shopping. I couldn't even be in the Meijer perking lot - I started crying, curled up in Joey's front seat, and requested french fries. I've found that if I have a panic attack and I acquire food that I can eat slowly, it will help regulate my breathing and calm me down. Might not be the best way to help diffuse, but there are definitely worse things to pacify myself with than food.

And, of course, there's the insomnia. I'm so tired right now I want to cry, but I can't fall asleep! And at 2am, it's too late to take my sleeping meds. Tomorrow I might try taking them at 9pm or so and seeing what happens.

Seriously, 2:09am! My "falling asleep" has become "falling awake".

Kneading

I hate being depressed and unable to take care of myself. I hate needing people. I hate needing someone to say "hey, Carrie, let's go for a walk" and then walk with me for an hour without saying a word - because, let's be honest, who can do that?

Frankie, baby!

"Being an 18-karat manic depressive and having lived a life of violent emotional contradictions, I have an over-acute capacity for sadness as well as elation."
-Frank Sinatra

Semantics Facebook Rant!

just wanted to save a copy of my Facebook status:

Here's the thing - and I may be getting caught up in semantics, here - but I absolutely hate the use of the term "disorder". I don't have a mental disorder, I don't have a mental illness, I'm just not average and therefore I've been given a label with a negative connotation and stigma attached.

I don't HAVE bipolar, I AM bipolar. It's not an infection that will go away with antibiotics, it's a part of me. Some days it's completely wonderful, and some days it feels like I'm bleeding hundreds of emotions through every orifice and they're really sticky and gross and no matter how hard I try I can't make them stop and I can't stop crying or laughing or raging or all three at once and my thoughts won't stop racing and I write run-on sentences.

Even those days are worth it when I can look back on them and think about who I would be if I'd never had that experience.

kjvcj,kljgcjnbv.

I'm manic. You know how I can tell? Besides the fact that it's 4:08am and I'm still completely awake, playing stupid games on Facebook, writing this blog, and hating absolutely everyone?

Oh wait, those are the reasons.

So hello, insomnia, my old friend.
And fuck all of you who actually ARE my friends.
Especially the person who just SHOWED UP ON MY PORCH LIKE I OWED YOU A GODDAMN EXPLANATION and the person who fucked up my makeup for the photo shoot today. If you wanted STAGE makeup, you shouldn't have told me to wear STREET makeup. stupid bitch.

The. End.

My stammer has been really bad the last couple of days as well. 

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

Oh, hey there - long time no chat!

I've noticed something about the people around me; they seem to be increasingly more wimpy. Just an observation.

Also I'm pretty sure my friend J has a thing for me. I always feel bad when the young ones dig me because I usually don't reciprocate, and if I do, I tend to eat them alive. See my above statement about being wimpy.

I think I've become more lethargic as of late, which is most unfortunate. I'm trying to combat my standard two-year depression cycle (I'm due...now) and so far I've kept afloat.

I'll try and keep you posted.

fear and loathing

I realized something the other day.

I'm afraid. Terrified, really. Terrified that I'll never be used to my emotional turbulence, frightened that I won't always be able to control it, scared of the long-term effects of the medication I'm not even taking right now. Sometimes it seems like trying to view myself from every angle keeps me from seeing myself.

Plus, I'm angry with my need for control. It almost feels like a necessity. If I don't have control, if I'm not keeping a vigilant eye inward, what happens? Will I lose myself again? I'll tell you one thing - it does nothing for my anxiety.

a mixing bowl metaphor

This is a mixing bowl. It collapses!
And oh, hey, so do I!
What a coincidence!

You combine things in this bowl to make something new!
I have mixed episodes and feel like I'm going crazy!
Dissimilar and really not coincidental at all!

Now that I've used my allotted amount of exclamation points for this post, I think it's safe to say that I'm one of the following: rapid cycling, having a mixed episode. To be honest, I can't tell the difference, but either way I feel like I'm going nuts. One minute I think I'm great, happy, excited, whatever, the next I'm crying. Is this what menopause is like? More importantly, 25 years from now, is my menopause going to be twice as bad because of my bipolar? Or will it be better because of my medication? Ok, I suppose that's not really more important than my current state. I've been feeling a little off lately, but I just assumed it was because of show stress (tomorrow is tech Sunday). Perhaps it's that coupled with the excitement of Brian being home. I can't describe how I feel because it changes from moment to moment - I knew I had a laundry list of things to finish before rehearsal tomorrow, but I didn't get them all finished even though I had more than enough time.

I feel a little bit flimsy. Something else I have in common with the mixing bowl!

pretty sure I'm manic.

Caitlin called the other day - she and Max are having another boy! Which means another pseudo-nephew for me...maybe someday I'll like babies. For now I'm building up excitement to play with Matchbox cars and GI Joes someday in the future. And of course I'm fantastically happy for them :-D

I'm really just fantastically happy right now. I fricking CRIED tonight I'm so happy. How does that even work? No idea. I almost went to get another piercing today between shows, but I shouldn't spend the cashmonies.

I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING.

I'm rereading this and it doesn't sound quite right. Turned on my mania eyes just now. Stand by for a potential update about me crashing.

Today, I bought a watch.

Last Sunday, my 10th and 11th grade English teacher committed suicide. He was 34 and married with a 3 year old son.

Last Wednesday, I got a new tattoo. It says "the show must go on".

Last Friday, I met my teacher's wife.

Today, I had a wicked migraine and left work early.
Today, I realized how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have the ability to overcome my mental illness. I'm lucky to know where the darker paths lead and to know that those are not even options for me.
Today, I know myself better.

Happy in the Gray

My friend Rex posted about happiness yesterday, and it got me thinking. Where is it written that we, as humans, are supposed to be happy?

Everyone gets depressed sometimes, true, but not everyone has depression. If we've spoken about it or if you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know that in the past I've been the version of myself that doesn't sing or knit and gets home from work every day to spend six hours sitting on my bedroom floor crying. Because I have been gifted with self-awareness, it's easy enough for me to look at that person and say, "Ok Carrie, this is not you." The trick though, is being able to ask for help once you've reached that realization. There is no doubt in my mind that I am incredibly lucky. Yes, I have bipolar and asthma and a few other medical issues, but I have insurance. I was raised to know that those things can and will be taken care of. Even now, if I didn't have insurance, there are enough drug companies and programs that will give medication for free.

Medication is a challenging thing. For some people taking it is a no-brainer, something they are happy to do. Maybe they see it as a cure, maybe not. Others are staunchly opposed to taking it for a variety of reasons, namely because they don't want to be chemically altered or become dependent. To me, those are the black and white views. I used to be absolutely against taking medication, and then it became a necessary part of my life. Now I like to think I'm happy somewhere in the gray - no longer fighting against my depressed self sans militia simply for fear of dependency, but not succumbing to the false assumption that medication will solve all of my problems.

Here's a secret: I haven't taken my meds in about a month now. How am I doing? A little up a little down - just like everyone else. If I feel myself slipping, I know I can take care of it. My issue at this point though, is that my anti-depressant basically induces my manic rage. I'm working on getting a new drug. I'm glad that I know myself well enough to be able to notice those patterns without the help of a doctor.

I realize that I will probably be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life, and that's ok. That's ok because I know who I am, and it's not the depressed, pathetic version. It's the strong, goofy, nerdy version. Medication doesn't put you in a chemical-happiness bubble, it keeps you from losing your true self to your depression.

And honestly? It helps. So am I happy? Am I depressed? Not all of the time, no. Am I thinking clearly and doing what I feel like I should be doing? For myself, yes. Something that always makes me happy is being able to put a smile on other people's faces. I think that's one of the reasons I seem so motherly some times - because if I know you're sad, I will try and go out of my way to put a smile on your face.

Medical Mess[ages]

Just wanted to update regarding my medical issues. It's really become a never ending parade of crap. Super eloquent. CRAP.

So I had my EMG, and it was normal. Ok, cool - why is my hand still tingly and numb?

I also had the blood work run (RA, ANA, sed rate, CRP) and it was normal EXCEPT - and here's where I got excited because previously I'd been used to everything being normal - my CRP. For those of you unfamiliar with CRP, it stands for C-Reactive Protein, and it's essentially just a measure of overall inflammation. Mine was 1.6, when it should have been between 0.0-0.9. That result is nonspecific, so something inflammatory is going on, we just don't know the cause. The rheumatologist I've been speaking with thinks it may be caused by an allergy, which is possible, so I'm cutting out foods one by one, starting with peanuts. It may also be an allergy to my medication, which is harder for me to just stop taking because I know how I'll get. Definitely something to call Dr. M. about this week.

Incredulous.

I don't have words to accurately express how I feel about knowing the girl who has my life. She is a tiny, adorable, motivated girl who is going to do fabulous things with her life - and I kind of want to punch her.

I'm in one of those weird moods right now where I can't figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I'm frustrated with my inability to force followthrough, I'm lonely, my social anxiety is climbing, my body hurts...and I'm a whiner baby. I think I'm over having a mental illness. It was a relief for a while, you know? Just to know that there is (isn't?) a method to the madness.

Yea, I'm definitely over it. I don't think I want to deal with bipolar for the next 60 years. Have we found a cure yet? Haha

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin the other night. He was complaining about his dad/family and how they treat him, and I wasn't going to say anything but I saw so much of my relationship with my mom in the situation that I had to. I actually surprised myself! I explained that from the outside it seems like they are both acting like children and that my cousin is different from the rest of his siblings and wont be treated the same way they are.

It's difficult to not expect our parents to be good at parenting...because sometimes they're just not.

this is post 50.

this is the post where I choose to be happy.
really fucking happy.
and this is the post where I sing loudly and sometimes out of tune.

the day the music died

I just realized that I've stopped singing.
I don't think I've ever wanted to come off my meds more than I do right now. And I'm having a meltdown.

"you look like a man in need of a nook"

I'm feeling a tad odd this evening. Possibly a mixture of sleep deprivation, excitement and anxiety for the coming weekend, and just weird emotion-y stuff.

I saw a baby this past weekend. He got his head crossed with blessed water and didn't cry at all...and then we ate a lot of food. so, for the two people who may periodically read this blog, here is a photo of my "nephew" that you may or may not have already seen on Facebook:

Yep, goofy picture. But I like it. Because I took it. Schblaaaarrgh. Good night.

going slightly mad.

I don't want to sleep. This is bad. This I know. This I am struggling to change. Trying to do it without meds. It's challenging, and because I only feel up to it about half the time, I'm not entirely sure of how successful I'll be. Going into it with fingers crossed, I guess, lol. That's not really an lol moment but oh well. I deflect with humor.

Pseudo-goodnight.

friends/rant

I've realized that I have no friends and it's my fault. and by "no", I mean "very few". I alienate myself when I'm depressed or overly anxious, like last fall when I pretty much bailed on all of my friends at Wesley. which really the only one I was close to is/was Katie. my other Wesley peeps have all moved to other cities anyway.

which brings me to loving the Brophys. Those boys are absolutely spectacular. I think Jason and I are starting to become closer, which seemed a bit odd to me at first, because I was sweet on him for so long, but it's really nice. it seems like we're just now realizing how much we have in common besides being goofy and just a little off, haha.

I miss Sam. She gets home on Monday though, which is amazing. it's just hard sometimes, because she tends to do the same thing as my mom - I'm not sure either of them can tell when I want their opinion/input versus when I just need them to listen. seriously though, Sam is hands down the best friend I have ever had. Thinking about all these other people I've called my "best friend" in the last 20 years and the only person who can even touch her is Mikey...and those are two different kinds of relationships so I shouldn't compare. I'll probably be fucked when we end up living in different states and, you know, having lives outside of Kzoo. I think that's why people get married. consistancy. they don't have to move across the country by themselves. they don't have to live by themselves. they don't even have to shower by themselves if they don't want to.

I think it's kinda weak though, you know? how can you learn about yourself if you've never been by yourself?

mini rant.

she's a maaaniac, maaaaaniac!

haha, all I can picture when I hear that song is Jennifer Beals in legwarmers.

I have new meds! ok, well, sorta. Dr. M. doubled my dose of oxcarbazepine and I'm back on Trazadone...which means I will SLEEP! for reasonable hours! and I won't be angry ALL THE TIME. brilliant.