Next To Normal - Because No One Said Life Would Be Easy

I'm the ME/spot op for Next To Normal this month, opening this past Friday, and, I'll tell ya what, it has been kind of rough on me. Initially, I was really excited to be working on this particular show, given that it revolves around a bipolar woman, and that's something I can relate to. Now that we're through tech week and opening weekend and I've stopped crying during every show, I'm starting to realize just how challenging this experience is for me.

I was diagnosed with bipolar two years and five months ago. I've spent a fair bit of time over that period trying to figure out how to explain bipolar, explain why "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "How are you?", explain why sometimes I renege on plans, don't answer the phone or call you back, don't follow through, avoid people, and then WHAM! A piece of theatre - which, if you know me, you know is pretty much my lifeblood - that, in act I, makes me feel like I'm watching a part of myself on the stage, explaining everything I've been trying to, in song.

In the past, theatre has been an escape. A chance to pretend to be someone else, to get lost in someone else's life for a while. With this show, it suddenly ceases to be that escape and instead becomes a very real interpretation of the life I actually live. While bipolar manifests differently in different people and Diana's is more severe than mine, she and I still share the fundamental highs and lows.

At one point in the show, Diana is seeing her psychiatrist for regular medication adjustments and reports to him that she doesn't feel anything. The doctor notes that this means she is stable - a comment that has repeatedly made audience members laugh. This is, I think, the only audience reaction to this show that has really bothered me. Are they laughing because they're uncomfortable, or do they actually find this sad truth to be funny? I've had a similar experience with my own doctor, and it's not even funny in hindsight. I've been on lithium (see previous post), I've tried drugs that work, drugs that don't work, drugs that give me rashes and headaches, I've seen counselors, done workbooks, I've taken myself off meds, put myself back on meds, and I've self medicated (though mostly with exercise, caffeine, and the chiropractor). I put a lot of work into trying to stay myself, haha.

People have spent a lot of time trying to talk to me about controlling my mood swings, and in doing this show, I've learned that, for me, it's not about controlling my highs and lows because, in all honesty, I can't. I am made acutely aware on a near daily basis just how little control I have over the comings and goings of my highs and lows. What's more important is how I react to and use these swings. I am lucky enough to have a fairly high level of self awareness, but I'm still learning how to manipulate my depression and hypomania into something more accessible and usable and I'm sure I will spend the rest of my life working on that task - something I'm finally coming to terms with.

All I can really say right now is thank you to the cast and crew of Next To Normal. In some small way you have all, even unknowingly, contributed to my betterment and sanity.

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

Oh, hey there - long time no chat!

I've noticed something about the people around me; they seem to be increasingly more wimpy. Just an observation.

Also I'm pretty sure my friend J has a thing for me. I always feel bad when the young ones dig me because I usually don't reciprocate, and if I do, I tend to eat them alive. See my above statement about being wimpy.

I think I've become more lethargic as of late, which is most unfortunate. I'm trying to combat my standard two-year depression cycle (I'm due...now) and so far I've kept afloat.

I'll try and keep you posted.

the science of selling yourself short

I'm in love with John Henry. not only does he have incredible physical strength, but he understands what it is like to have nothing and he firmly believes in the power and knowledge of people over that of machines.

I'm also in love with Harrison Bergeron. he also has incredible physical and mental strength, but he is moody and willful and angry. I think he reminds me a little bit of myself, minus the physical strength thing.

cardinal directions

this week was awful.

I feel like I have no words anymore, you know? like everything I have ever said is the summation of everything I ever will say. I'm never going to learn much more than I already know and I'm not going to grow any more. my mind is freezing as my body gets older. I will fight it.

Thursday I went to see my shrink for a med check. SURPRISE! I'm bipolar. it's not really a surprise, I guess - just an overwhelming explanation for the last few years of my life. over the last two days a desire to apologize to everyone has been building up in my head. an "I'm sorry if I flaked/freaked out/fucked up somehow and here's why" kind of deal. but I just keep telling myself that being bipolar is a reason, not an excuse. massive difference. and if I'm bipolar, then I'm going to try and embrace it, because any other course of action would quite possibly be even more detrimental to my mental health.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a little while yesterday and she was asking me all kinda of questions about being bipolar. somehow we ended up on the topic of my weight - apparently she didn't know that when I was 17 and looked really thin that she used to tell me I looked too skinny and I needed to eat something nearly every day, and that it got to the point where I didn't even want to look in the mirror. She kept denying it, saying that she never had a big concern about my weight except once in the 6th grade when I lost weight because I was overextended. I sent her a message on Facebook with a link attached to some information on bipolar II, and this is the message I got back from her this morning:

"Thanks for the info. Guess I really haven't spent much time around you in the last 4 years or so. I've seen the depression but not mania. Things like overspending and pretentiousness? Anyway, got to thinking about your comments on weight when you were a teen. Dad and I did go through a period of time when we were concerned about you having an eating disorder. Didn't realize it carried over into my interactions w/you. You have probably noticed I don't really have comforting words when it comes to bad things in a person's life. Just not good w/that stuff; even for my own children. Its hard being imperfect and not wanting to be. Let me know how I can support you. I just know there are plenty of people out there w/bipolar that are having great lives. I know a couple. I always think of you as strong enough to handle what life throws at you, but if you need something, please ask."

 It hasn't been until recently that I am finding out just how highly my mother thinks of me.

I always hoped my life wouldn't be this kind of hard. I need a compass.