"Blessed With A Burden"

I am depressed.

What could I possibly say about how I'm feeling right now that hasn't been said a thousand times, and more eloquently, more sensibly, in more or better detail, by other people? Is it even worth it for me to take the time to put into words that I just don't feel like myself? That I know that the person living in my head right now is only a partial version of me? The most frustrating thing is this on repeat. This awful, caged feeling that works its way in every once in a while, affirming depression and killing energy, attention span, motivation, and nearly making it worse because of frequency.

I'll admit that I'm not surprised I ended up here this time around. Sometimes I can stave it off or circumvent it completely - and sometimes I think that's what is meant when folks who've never been here say that depression is circumstantial. Yes, occasionally I can pull myself up by the bootstraps before it gets too bad, but the fact remains that it was there hiding to begin with, it's always there hiding to begin with, regardless of circumstance. I just don't always have the time or energy to fight it. Or maybe I've had too much time and filled it with sleeping instead.

There's nothing I can say to make it better except a reaffirmation that I am more than this. I am more than falling asleep in dirty sheets every night because I keep thinking about washing them but just don't, more than crying in the shower, more than silence in the car, more than laying in bed all day not eating, more than increased anxiety because the fan in my boyfriend's xbox is extra loud today.

I am knitting, singing, laughing, adventuring. I will always find my way back.

Yin and Yang

I've been feeling a bit like a pressure cooker lately. Or maybe a deep fryer? Nah, pressure cooker. I'm kind of festering, but in a (hopefully. probably.) less gross way. I've been on the verge of tears a lot, but I haven't been able to let go and just have a good cry even though I so badly want to! I feel antsy and anxious, like part of the me I know is hiding somewhere and I can't find her. I've had insomnia the last few nights, and while it's been worse before, it's still no fun and making work harder. I'm having trouble keeping everything in my head, too, and that's bad news bears for a stage manager.

I almost feel depressed, but its so hard to know when you've crossed that line. I've been far worse before, but it can be a slippery slope and I'm not sure which rung of the ladder I'm on. Having a shit Christmas didn't help I'm sure. I'm still hoping for an apology from my mother, although I'm not sure she thinks she needs to give one. She never seems to think she plays a part in our fights, like any of the responsibility is hers. She has a tendency to play the victim, to take everything so personally that she ends up laying on (or trying to, however subconscious it may be) a pretty thick guilt trip and blaming it all on the people around her (read: her children). Ah, well, I've pretty much given up on that relationship and that actually makes me feel a bit better about my life. Because being in a toxic relationship with someone just because you're blood related still means it's unhealthy and you shouldn't participate, amiright?

On an even brighter note, I have the most fantastic boyfriend I could possibly have. And I'm still alive and kickin! :)

In My Defense: A Story About Wearing Leggings as Pants

I am a hypocrite about many things, but, most recently, I am a hypocrite for wearing leggings as pants.

When I was eleven years old, I lost ten-or-so pounds. As a general rule, losing weight when you're that young and already skinny is a really, really bad thing. So I was taken to the doctor, I had numerous blood tests, and guess what? All normal. Thyroid was normal. White blood cell count was normal. Kidney and liver functions were normal. Aside from being underweight, I was a perfectly healthy sixth grader with a high metabolism. The verdict? I was just doing more than I was used to. I was playing basketball, I was doing shows...basically, I was changing from a stationary kid into an active one. I tried to eat more.

A few years later, it happened again - I dropped about ten pounds for no apparent reason. Again, I had the same myriad of tests and blood work. Again, it was all normal, and the verdict remained: just active. I tried to eat more.

And lather, rinse, repeat at least twice more in my teen years. My doctor all but prescribed me milkshakes, and I tried to eat more. One of these instances had the unfortunate addition of my mother continuously telling me I was too skinny, giving me a complex, and as a result I avoided mirrors for a while. You've all heard body image stories, so I won't go into detail. My mother later apologized.

At age 21, after realizing that I was back down to 105 pounds and at the urging of my roommate, I decided to try another tactic; I got a gym membership and hired a trainer. It took me six months, but I gained six pounds! It was awesome! Here's where it starts to get a bit sour, though. For every excited, trying-to-keep-myself-motivated "Operation Weight Gain" post I made on various social media sites, there were a dozen "I wish I had your problem" or "I should be so lucky" responses. Seriously, folks? I understand that more people have trouble keeping weight off than on, but it's just the other side of a really sucky coin.

In the summer of 2012, I was again down to 105 pounds and pissed. In the last year, I have worked SO hard to gain weight in the form of muscle - and it's starting to pay off. I'm not sure where I am weight-wise, but I'm curvier, I'm stronger, I feel really good, and hey, I'm up two cup sizes and two pant sizes from where I was five years ago. SCORE!

I have spent too much time silently and not-so-silently judging girls who wear leggings as pants. I mean, really? Keep your ass covered.

I have an excuse - I can't afford to buy pants that fit properly. AND I AM SO EXCITED!

Although, let's be honest, it's not really that good of an excuse and most of the time I still try and keep my ass covered.

Sentence.

I don't really have anything of significance to write about, but in case you're trying to keep up, I am still alive, breathing, knitting, singing, and wielding a wrench.

Also, I'm marathoning Buffy.

"soul mates"

I recall a summer porch conversation with Sam regarding souls. The big question was whether or not there are a finite number of souls that get ripped to smaller and smaller pieces as more people are born. This would lead me to believe that, as far as "soul mates" go, there are thousands of them for every person. People who share pieces of your soul that you didn't know existed, let alone know you are missing.

You know how sometimes you befriend someone and you know almost instantly that the two of you were supposed to meet? That this other person has somehow managed to enter or reenter your life at exactly the right moment, whether you realize it at the time or not, is either a crazy twist of energy (others may refer to this as "fate" or "destiny") or unbelievable coincidence. I'm not sure how common a phenomenon that is, but I've gotta say, it's pretty freakin' cool.

I'm not sure where I really stand on the issue of souls, but whether they are or are not a thing, the connections people make with each other are completely wonderful.

"You are now in control of the parachute."

Ok, picture this:
You climb into a perfectly healthy airplane with 15-or-so other people. You squeeze in, put on your seat belt, and the plane takes off. It's a small plane, so the ride is a little bumpy, but really not bad. You stare out the window as you climb through the clouds - it's been a few years since you've flown and you'd forgotten how much you like takeoff. The proverbial seat belt sign is turned off, and you unbuckle and chat with the people around you. Before you know it, you're being strapped to a bearded Aussie named Steve while watching the door open and the people in front of you begin their 10,000 foot fall. Steve scoots the two of you up to the door, you cross your arms over your chest, lean out, and...

Post-jump is all you get. Pictures from them were too steep for us!
I am aware that we (unintentionally) look like Christmas.

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS!
I JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE TODAY!

By "I", I mean "Rich and I".
By "Rich and I", I mean "Rich and Larry" and "Steve and I".

It was crazy. Brilliant. Incredible. Insert positive adjective here. There really are no words to describe how amazing the whole experience was. We weren't even sure we were going to get to go up because of the weather - it was pretty cloudy when we got there and they hadn't done a jump all day because of it. We were lucky enough to be able to sneak in during the one window of clear sky all day. They were so anxious to get people jumping that we (shh! don't tell!) ended up skipping the training video/mini class session and just went straight into action.

The view from the sky was beautiful! As soon as we got below the cloud cover we had a great view of Chicago and the lake (and Gary, but meh, it's Gary.) Remind me to wear a sports bra next time, though. As soon as he opened the chute I got all kinds of painfully smashed. Probably the most terrifying part - for me, anyway - was when Steve handed me a pair of yellow straps and then said, "You are now in control of the parachute." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOLY ADRENALINE, BATMAN! haha

I called my brother after we left - he's been more than a few times and loves it - and we decided to go next summer when he gets out of the Navy. I'm looking forward to once again hurling myself at the earth!

There may be another post to follow about how I lied on my paperwork and how I later realized that the adrenaline surge felt almost exactly like being manic. If I feel like writing one. Hah!

Next To Normal - Because No One Said Life Would Be Easy

I'm the ME/spot op for Next To Normal this month, opening this past Friday, and, I'll tell ya what, it has been kind of rough on me. Initially, I was really excited to be working on this particular show, given that it revolves around a bipolar woman, and that's something I can relate to. Now that we're through tech week and opening weekend and I've stopped crying during every show, I'm starting to realize just how challenging this experience is for me.

I was diagnosed with bipolar two years and five months ago. I've spent a fair bit of time over that period trying to figure out how to explain bipolar, explain why "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "How are you?", explain why sometimes I renege on plans, don't answer the phone or call you back, don't follow through, avoid people, and then WHAM! A piece of theatre - which, if you know me, you know is pretty much my lifeblood - that, in act I, makes me feel like I'm watching a part of myself on the stage, explaining everything I've been trying to, in song.

In the past, theatre has been an escape. A chance to pretend to be someone else, to get lost in someone else's life for a while. With this show, it suddenly ceases to be that escape and instead becomes a very real interpretation of the life I actually live. While bipolar manifests differently in different people and Diana's is more severe than mine, she and I still share the fundamental highs and lows.

At one point in the show, Diana is seeing her psychiatrist for regular medication adjustments and reports to him that she doesn't feel anything. The doctor notes that this means she is stable - a comment that has repeatedly made audience members laugh. This is, I think, the only audience reaction to this show that has really bothered me. Are they laughing because they're uncomfortable, or do they actually find this sad truth to be funny? I've had a similar experience with my own doctor, and it's not even funny in hindsight. I've been on lithium (see previous post), I've tried drugs that work, drugs that don't work, drugs that give me rashes and headaches, I've seen counselors, done workbooks, I've taken myself off meds, put myself back on meds, and I've self medicated (though mostly with exercise, caffeine, and the chiropractor). I put a lot of work into trying to stay myself, haha.

People have spent a lot of time trying to talk to me about controlling my mood swings, and in doing this show, I've learned that, for me, it's not about controlling my highs and lows because, in all honesty, I can't. I am made acutely aware on a near daily basis just how little control I have over the comings and goings of my highs and lows. What's more important is how I react to and use these swings. I am lucky enough to have a fairly high level of self awareness, but I'm still learning how to manipulate my depression and hypomania into something more accessible and usable and I'm sure I will spend the rest of my life working on that task - something I'm finally coming to terms with.

All I can really say right now is thank you to the cast and crew of Next To Normal. In some small way you have all, even unknowingly, contributed to my betterment and sanity.

Falling Awake

Lately I've been feeling stuck part way between stable and depressed. I can't quite seem to boost myself out of the hole, even though I can see over the top just a little bit.

I've had that skin-stretched-back feeling in my face a lot lately, and last Friday night I had a panic attack when I tried to go grocery shopping. I couldn't even be in the Meijer perking lot - I started crying, curled up in Joey's front seat, and requested french fries. I've found that if I have a panic attack and I acquire food that I can eat slowly, it will help regulate my breathing and calm me down. Might not be the best way to help diffuse, but there are definitely worse things to pacify myself with than food.

And, of course, there's the insomnia. I'm so tired right now I want to cry, but I can't fall asleep! And at 2am, it's too late to take my sleeping meds. Tomorrow I might try taking them at 9pm or so and seeing what happens.

Seriously, 2:09am! My "falling asleep" has become "falling awake".

Kneading

I hate being depressed and unable to take care of myself. I hate needing people. I hate needing someone to say "hey, Carrie, let's go for a walk" and then walk with me for an hour without saying a word - because, let's be honest, who can do that?

Frankie, baby!

"Being an 18-karat manic depressive and having lived a life of violent emotional contradictions, I have an over-acute capacity for sadness as well as elation."
-Frank Sinatra

Semantics Facebook Rant!

just wanted to save a copy of my Facebook status:

Here's the thing - and I may be getting caught up in semantics, here - but I absolutely hate the use of the term "disorder". I don't have a mental disorder, I don't have a mental illness, I'm just not average and therefore I've been given a label with a negative connotation and stigma attached.

I don't HAVE bipolar, I AM bipolar. It's not an infection that will go away with antibiotics, it's a part of me. Some days it's completely wonderful, and some days it feels like I'm bleeding hundreds of emotions through every orifice and they're really sticky and gross and no matter how hard I try I can't make them stop and I can't stop crying or laughing or raging or all three at once and my thoughts won't stop racing and I write run-on sentences.

Even those days are worth it when I can look back on them and think about who I would be if I'd never had that experience.

work, in so many ways

I've been overwhelmed lately. In the spring I auditioned for a show at the Civic, and got a part. We opened this past Friday, had a great audience, a fun show, and I'm looking forward to two more weekends of performances. This is, however, the first big part I've had in a show in eight years and it was definitely a stressful process. I'm no longer used to memorizing lines or tight, three-part harmonies with choreographed pseudo-ballet movement attached. I've really spent a lot of the rehearsal process re-learning how to be a performer, among other things.

A little over two weeks ago, I applied for the temporary master electrician job at the same theatre. I've now held that position for a week and a half, and while I'm not as stressed out as I thought I'd be going in, I'm still not used to thinking about the lighting for three shows at once, plus setting up for a fundraiser event. And I have an intern. As in, I'm someone's BOSS. It's crazy! I'm worried because I don't have a whole ton of experience, but they knew that when they hired me.

Two days ago, I got an email from one of the board members at Farmers Alley asking if I'd stage manage a two-day gala-type event that he and his family are wanting to put on in the space in November.

I also have nearly 1200 wedding photos to edit.

I am completely exhausted, but here I am, awake at 12:30 on a Sunday night, thinking about getting some tea before bed.

kjvcj,kljgcjnbv.

I'm manic. You know how I can tell? Besides the fact that it's 4:08am and I'm still completely awake, playing stupid games on Facebook, writing this blog, and hating absolutely everyone?

Oh wait, those are the reasons.

So hello, insomnia, my old friend.
And fuck all of you who actually ARE my friends.
Especially the person who just SHOWED UP ON MY PORCH LIKE I OWED YOU A GODDAMN EXPLANATION and the person who fucked up my makeup for the photo shoot today. If you wanted STAGE makeup, you shouldn't have told me to wear STREET makeup. stupid bitch.

The. End.

My stammer has been really bad the last couple of days as well. 

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

Oh, hey there - long time no chat!

I've noticed something about the people around me; they seem to be increasingly more wimpy. Just an observation.

Also I'm pretty sure my friend J has a thing for me. I always feel bad when the young ones dig me because I usually don't reciprocate, and if I do, I tend to eat them alive. See my above statement about being wimpy.

I think I've become more lethargic as of late, which is most unfortunate. I'm trying to combat my standard two-year depression cycle (I'm due...now) and so far I've kept afloat.

I'll try and keep you posted.

Running Shoes

Yep, I'm a slacker.

Yesterday, I got running shoes.

In other news, life! I've been cast in a show at the Civic, opening in October, so that's exciting! I also have another ME gig at Farmers Alley as well as some possible work in Saugatuck.

I've been feeling pretty strong lately, which is probably why I haven't written, but, knowing me, there's always something going on in my head - it just needs to be pinned down!

I went shooting with a friend today (cameras, not guns) and in the pictures of me, my arms just look so...thin. I didn't think I looked like a skeletor until today. And it's not my whole body, just my arms and shoulders. Do you know what that means? Yea, weightlifting. I wish I could afford to still have a gym membership.

But then, this man at the theatre told me I'm beautiful.

fear and loathing

I realized something the other day.

I'm afraid. Terrified, really. Terrified that I'll never be used to my emotional turbulence, frightened that I won't always be able to control it, scared of the long-term effects of the medication I'm not even taking right now. Sometimes it seems like trying to view myself from every angle keeps me from seeing myself.

Plus, I'm angry with my need for control. It almost feels like a necessity. If I don't have control, if I'm not keeping a vigilant eye inward, what happens? Will I lose myself again? I'll tell you one thing - it does nothing for my anxiety.

Not Actually Lost!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately.

I wrote that line and saved this post to drafts. Now, I'm teching a show at the Civic (33 Variations - go see it!!), I have a solid number of hours at Chenery in May, and I'll be the ME + spot op for a show down at Farmers Alley in June. When I have nothing to occupy my time, I get lost. It might actually be the lack of time in theatres that creates an illusion of being lost. Either way, I am well and happy. And I finally read The Hunger Games! I wasn't impressed with the writing, but the story is really well thought-out.

I've been doing a lot of knitting and sewing to fill my days, but last Saturday - a week and a half ago, I mean, the day before Easter - I spent a few hours in the hospital with a friend who tried to commit suicide. I'm concerned with how big a part this plays in my life.

I can't focus on this right now. I have to go to rehearsal.

I have an amazing life. I really, really do.

so there's these lists...

I know I've written at least a semi-religious post before, but today I discovered these lists posted on my roommates Facebook wall:

15 Reasons I Left Church
15 Reasons I Returned to the Church

They're interesting, if you're into that sort of thing - which I am, so I'm going to play with them! Yay!

Tonight's Topic: 15 Reasons I Left Church according to RHE

thunder rolling

This is MK. She is one of the happiest, sweetest, most enthusiastic people I've ever met. While I could probably fill a post with entertaining stories about all of the time we spent together in high school (like the time we almost got in a car accident on the way to the movies), this post is, selfishly enough, about me.

MK has become the woman I wanted to be. She is motivated to go halfway around the world to do what she can to help others. I have a few friends like this, actually - Matt leaves for the Peace Corp in the fall and Nathan and Tricia spent six months in Haiti last year, among others - and I am thankful to have had these people in my life. Partially because I can enjoy their experiences vicariously, and partially because it throws into focus how the image of my future self has changed with regard to others.

There's a verse from a song I know:

"Turn on my TV, there's a man tellin' me I can stop the hunger that's goin' on overseas. I won't send him my money, 'cause it won't do much good - I got people starvin' in my own neighborhood."

So as I sit here listening to the thunder, I can't help but think about those homeless in Kalamazoo that were grateful for today's warm weather, but are now concerned with finding shelter from the storm. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe it won't actually rain tonight and everyone can rest easy on 60-degree concrete.

I suppose I'm just saying that I think a stronger home base will give us the strength and resources to help those in other communities. I can't single-handedly change national or world politics - not yet, at least - but I have the ability to help those around me.

It's entirely possible that living with a social worker is starting to rub off on me!

I have had a night.

I have had a night.

It began with my brother being a massive jerk and making me cry.

It ended with "Part of my journey is learning to give more freely to others, and I am finally starting to like it."