Running Shoes

Yep, I'm a slacker.

Yesterday, I got running shoes.

In other news, life! I've been cast in a show at the Civic, opening in October, so that's exciting! I also have another ME gig at Farmers Alley as well as some possible work in Saugatuck.

I've been feeling pretty strong lately, which is probably why I haven't written, but, knowing me, there's always something going on in my head - it just needs to be pinned down!

I went shooting with a friend today (cameras, not guns) and in the pictures of me, my arms just look so...thin. I didn't think I looked like a skeletor until today. And it's not my whole body, just my arms and shoulders. Do you know what that means? Yea, weightlifting. I wish I could afford to still have a gym membership.

But then, this man at the theatre told me I'm beautiful.

fear and loathing

I realized something the other day.

I'm afraid. Terrified, really. Terrified that I'll never be used to my emotional turbulence, frightened that I won't always be able to control it, scared of the long-term effects of the medication I'm not even taking right now. Sometimes it seems like trying to view myself from every angle keeps me from seeing myself.

Plus, I'm angry with my need for control. It almost feels like a necessity. If I don't have control, if I'm not keeping a vigilant eye inward, what happens? Will I lose myself again? I'll tell you one thing - it does nothing for my anxiety.

Not Actually Lost!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately.

I wrote that line and saved this post to drafts. Now, I'm teching a show at the Civic (33 Variations - go see it!!), I have a solid number of hours at Chenery in May, and I'll be the ME + spot op for a show down at Farmers Alley in June. When I have nothing to occupy my time, I get lost. It might actually be the lack of time in theatres that creates an illusion of being lost. Either way, I am well and happy. And I finally read The Hunger Games! I wasn't impressed with the writing, but the story is really well thought-out.

I've been doing a lot of knitting and sewing to fill my days, but last Saturday - a week and a half ago, I mean, the day before Easter - I spent a few hours in the hospital with a friend who tried to commit suicide. I'm concerned with how big a part this plays in my life.

I can't focus on this right now. I have to go to rehearsal.

I have an amazing life. I really, really do.

so there's these lists...

I know I've written at least a semi-religious post before, but today I discovered these lists posted on my roommates Facebook wall:

15 Reasons I Left Church
15 Reasons I Returned to the Church

They're interesting, if you're into that sort of thing - which I am, so I'm going to play with them! Yay!

Tonight's Topic: 15 Reasons I Left Church according to RHE

thunder rolling

This is MK. She is one of the happiest, sweetest, most enthusiastic people I've ever met. While I could probably fill a post with entertaining stories about all of the time we spent together in high school (like the time we almost got in a car accident on the way to the movies), this post is, selfishly enough, about me.

MK has become the woman I wanted to be. She is motivated to go halfway around the world to do what she can to help others. I have a few friends like this, actually - Matt leaves for the Peace Corp in the fall and Nathan and Tricia spent six months in Haiti last year, among others - and I am thankful to have had these people in my life. Partially because I can enjoy their experiences vicariously, and partially because it throws into focus how the image of my future self has changed with regard to others.

There's a verse from a song I know:

"Turn on my TV, there's a man tellin' me I can stop the hunger that's goin' on overseas. I won't send him my money, 'cause it won't do much good - I got people starvin' in my own neighborhood."

So as I sit here listening to the thunder, I can't help but think about those homeless in Kalamazoo that were grateful for today's warm weather, but are now concerned with finding shelter from the storm. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe it won't actually rain tonight and everyone can rest easy on 60-degree concrete.

I suppose I'm just saying that I think a stronger home base will give us the strength and resources to help those in other communities. I can't single-handedly change national or world politics - not yet, at least - but I have the ability to help those around me.

It's entirely possible that living with a social worker is starting to rub off on me!

I have had a night.

I have had a night.

It began with my brother being a massive jerk and making me cry.

It ended with "Part of my journey is learning to give more freely to others, and I am finally starting to like it."

a mixing bowl metaphor

This is a mixing bowl. It collapses!
And oh, hey, so do I!
What a coincidence!

You combine things in this bowl to make something new!
I have mixed episodes and feel like I'm going crazy!
Dissimilar and really not coincidental at all!

Now that I've used my allotted amount of exclamation points for this post, I think it's safe to say that I'm one of the following: rapid cycling, having a mixed episode. To be honest, I can't tell the difference, but either way I feel like I'm going nuts. One minute I think I'm great, happy, excited, whatever, the next I'm crying. Is this what menopause is like? More importantly, 25 years from now, is my menopause going to be twice as bad because of my bipolar? Or will it be better because of my medication? Ok, I suppose that's not really more important than my current state. I've been feeling a little off lately, but I just assumed it was because of show stress (tomorrow is tech Sunday). Perhaps it's that coupled with the excitement of Brian being home. I can't describe how I feel because it changes from moment to moment - I knew I had a laundry list of things to finish before rehearsal tomorrow, but I didn't get them all finished even though I had more than enough time.

I feel a little bit flimsy. Something else I have in common with the mixing bowl!