Incredulous.

I don't have words to accurately express how I feel about knowing the girl who has my life. She is a tiny, adorable, motivated girl who is going to do fabulous things with her life - and I kind of want to punch her.

I'm in one of those weird moods right now where I can't figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I'm frustrated with my inability to force followthrough, I'm lonely, my social anxiety is climbing, my body hurts...and I'm a whiner baby. I think I'm over having a mental illness. It was a relief for a while, you know? Just to know that there is (isn't?) a method to the madness.

Yea, I'm definitely over it. I don't think I want to deal with bipolar for the next 60 years. Have we found a cure yet? Haha

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin the other night. He was complaining about his dad/family and how they treat him, and I wasn't going to say anything but I saw so much of my relationship with my mom in the situation that I had to. I actually surprised myself! I explained that from the outside it seems like they are both acting like children and that my cousin is different from the rest of his siblings and wont be treated the same way they are.

It's difficult to not expect our parents to be good at parenting...because sometimes they're just not.

so much for July!

I just realized I haven't posted in over a month. I've been meaning to, but every time I make my way here, it's late and I'm too tired to write anything. That's actually exactly how I feel right now, but I'm making it happen anyway.

So basically, July happened. I turned 23, and I honestly don't remember what else happened. Super thrilling, I know.

Last week I took my first full week off in the two years I've had my job. It was completely overdue! I think I'll post an update on that later - I need to sleep!

Chemistry Lesson

Several years ago, my friend Chris told me he was going to be a truck driver. He said as long as he was happy at home, it didn't matter what he did for a living. At the time, I couldn't fathom being stuck in a job that I disliked, let alone choosing one, but I think I understand now. I work in an office, and it's your typical boring job: faxing, filing, running around looking for files. I'm not really very fond of it, but it pays the bills and my savings are growing so I really can't complain about the money.

Chris is now going to school for chemistry or biology, I don't remember which exactly.

Mentally and emotionally it's probably not healthy for me to have kept myself in my current job. I'm not fulfilled or challenged, and I'm certainly not excited to get up every day to go to work, but I am learning to take time outside of work to do things for myself. For example, I rewarded the last six months of hard work and exercise by buying tiny neon shorts. I know, it's not actually that exciting, but it's something. I like to go on walks, I like to knit, and read. I'm learning to stop fixating on how much I dislike my job and finding other ways to make myself smile.

Speaking of smiling, the other day I had a gentleman over and we made chocolate covered bacon. If you've never tried this before, you really should - even if you think it sounds gross. He is...something. I feel like I might get weirdly gushy if I go into detail so I'll just say that I love his playful confidence.

And I get to go to the chiropractor in the morning. Manipulations are better than therapy.

this is post 50.

this is the post where I choose to be happy.
really fucking happy.
and this is the post where I sing loudly and sometimes out of tune.

the day the music died

I just realized that I've stopped singing.
I don't think I've ever wanted to come off my meds more than I do right now. And I'm having a meltdown.

let's do it.

I just decided today was going to be a good day.

I'm going to get stuff done.
Go grocery shopping (but on a Saturday afternoon? maybe not.), edit a TON of pictures.
I already have a load of laundry in the dryer.

I've been reading Vonnegut.

So, SO exhausted.

Saturday Bridgette and I drove to Livonia and shot a wedding. On the way home I shut my toes in the car door. So it goes.

Sunday I had a 10 hour tech rehearsal for Blood Brothers, which opens this Friday. I've had a 5-6 hour rehearsal every night since. So it goes.

I've been thinking about this boy I'm seeing. He doesn't really like books and I don't get it.

I'm too tired to finish that thought.