I am depressed.
What could I possibly say about how I'm feeling right now that hasn't been said a thousand times, and more eloquently, more sensibly, in more or better detail, by other people? Is it even worth it for me to take the time to put into words that I just don't feel like myself? That I know that the person living in my head right now is only a partial version of me? The most frustrating thing is this on repeat. This awful, caged feeling that works its way in every once in a while, affirming depression and killing energy, attention span, motivation, and nearly making it worse because of frequency.
I'll admit that I'm not surprised I ended up here this time around. Sometimes I can stave it off or circumvent it completely - and sometimes I think that's what is meant when folks who've never been here say that depression is circumstantial. Yes, occasionally I can pull myself up by the bootstraps before it gets too bad, but the fact remains that it was there hiding to begin with, it's always there hiding to begin with, regardless of circumstance. I just don't always have the time or energy to fight it. Or maybe I've had too much time and filled it with sleeping instead.
There's nothing I can say to make it better except a reaffirmation that I am more than this. I am more than falling asleep in dirty sheets every night because I keep thinking about washing them but just don't, more than crying in the shower, more than silence in the car, more than laying in bed all day not eating, more than increased anxiety because the fan in my boyfriend's xbox is extra loud today.
I am knitting, singing, laughing, adventuring. I will always find my way back.
