my favorite shot from yesterday

I Think My Balls Have Dropped.

I have a crush on a boy.

Also, Sam and I both dig Mitch, the photo counter guy at Meijer.

I gave notice at my job. I can't believe I didn't tell Sam about that until today! I feel ready to leave this place.

Number of Work Days Left: 20 (only 4 weeks!)

Friday I made a bowl of meat. Well, ok, it's meat, rice, pico de gallo, salad dressing, and corn. It's delicious! Or should I say was delicious.

Took some cool shots of Sam this afternoon. It was a really nice, almost therapeutic shoot. I'm ready to be a photographer! I mean, I already am, but I think I'm still waiting for that big moment where I feel vindicated and legitimate. This week I'm shooting with Rex, and possibly Jake and Adam. Bring it!

Happy in the Gray

My friend Rex posted about happiness yesterday, and it got me thinking. Where is it written that we, as humans, are supposed to be happy?

Everyone gets depressed sometimes, true, but not everyone has depression. If we've spoken about it or if you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know that in the past I've been the version of myself that doesn't sing or knit and gets home from work every day to spend six hours sitting on my bedroom floor crying. Because I have been gifted with self-awareness, it's easy enough for me to look at that person and say, "Ok Carrie, this is not you." The trick though, is being able to ask for help once you've reached that realization. There is no doubt in my mind that I am incredibly lucky. Yes, I have bipolar and asthma and a few other medical issues, but I have insurance. I was raised to know that those things can and will be taken care of. Even now, if I didn't have insurance, there are enough drug companies and programs that will give medication for free.

Medication is a challenging thing. For some people taking it is a no-brainer, something they are happy to do. Maybe they see it as a cure, maybe not. Others are staunchly opposed to taking it for a variety of reasons, namely because they don't want to be chemically altered or become dependent. To me, those are the black and white views. I used to be absolutely against taking medication, and then it became a necessary part of my life. Now I like to think I'm happy somewhere in the gray - no longer fighting against my depressed self sans militia simply for fear of dependency, but not succumbing to the false assumption that medication will solve all of my problems.

Here's a secret: I haven't taken my meds in about a month now. How am I doing? A little up a little down - just like everyone else. If I feel myself slipping, I know I can take care of it. My issue at this point though, is that my anti-depressant basically induces my manic rage. I'm working on getting a new drug. I'm glad that I know myself well enough to be able to notice those patterns without the help of a doctor.

I realize that I will probably be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life, and that's ok. That's ok because I know who I am, and it's not the depressed, pathetic version. It's the strong, goofy, nerdy version. Medication doesn't put you in a chemical-happiness bubble, it keeps you from losing your true self to your depression.

And honestly? It helps. So am I happy? Am I depressed? Not all of the time, no. Am I thinking clearly and doing what I feel like I should be doing? For myself, yes. Something that always makes me happy is being able to put a smile on other people's faces. I think that's one of the reasons I seem so motherly some times - because if I know you're sad, I will try and go out of my way to put a smile on your face.

time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

Time is a funny thing. Timing seems to be even more funny. I think the universe is telling me that I have made exactly the choices I was supposed to make. Last week I did head shots for an actress I work with at the theatre. Because she and I met up at the theatre before our shoot, the executive director asked me to take a couple of publicity shots for the show they're currently rehearsing - in exchange for free tickets to the show! It's days/weeks/months like this when I really sit down and think "Yes, Carrie, someday you really will be able to make a living as a photographer!"


I got a photography job! Well, ok, my friend Ben got me a photography job. Freelance, of course, but a gig is a gig! And the coordinator said that if the shoot tomorrow morning goes well, there will be more opportunities for me to work with her company. I'll be driving up to Grand Rapids tomorrow morning to spend some time in a high school classroom taking photos of the teacher. I am so excited!

Yesterday I did engagement photos for my friends Nathan and Tricha. Some of them turned out so well! I'm excited to show them.

"If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories." -From Donnie Darko

Letter to the Editor

I suppose you've heard about the protests going on in NYC and throughout the rest of the country. If not, you have now. Here is the letter I wrote to the editor of the Kalamazoo Gazette this evening (morning):

"I understand why protests modeled after NYC are springing up all over the country, but I'm not sure they are going about it in the right way.

The organizer's website (https://occupywallst.org/) states "We, the people of the United States of America, considering the crisis at hand, now reassert our sovereign control of our land." I see a who, a what, a where, and a why, but I don't see a HOW - and that's the most important one! I am all for solidarity and I completely appreciate the right to assemble, but I really wish someone would take the time to think this through. There have to be people out there who think that being rational is more effective than being emotional!
The movement has become known as "We Are The 99%", and the introduction on their website (http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/Introduction) reads as follows: "If you’re reading this, there’s a 99 percent chance that you’re one of us. You’re someone who doesn’t know whether there’s going to be enough money to make this month’s rent. You’re someone who gets sick and toughs it out because you’ll never afford the hospital bills. You’re someone who’s trying to move a mountain of debt that never seems to get any smaller no matter how hard you try."

According to this statement, I am not in the 99%. I'm in the 1% who knows they can afford next month's rent and who can afford hospital and doctor bills if it becomes necessary. My debt is limited to the $72 and some change on my only credit card.

The site also gives a description for the other 1%: "They are the 1 percent. They are the banks, the mortgage industry, the insurance industry. They are the important ones." I am none of those industries. I am a 23-year-old woman. And if this emotional thinking is truly the way our country is headed, then I most certainly am one of the important ones."

Seriously, people.


Also, here's a cool shot I took of Mad today.