just the two of us

Dear Bipolar,

Happy one month anniversary! I only wish that we had been able to make this work in that amount of time. I am also worried about our children - I do appreciate you taking my child from a previous relationship under your wing; my dear Wellbutrin is indeed thriving. It is our baby Lithium that worries me most. What sort of effect will he have on the world? Will he be as docile as his sister, or continue down the darker path of hostility? I know my questions can only really be answered with time, so I will try my best to be patient in the hope that our relationship and the life of our son will turn out for the best.

And from now on I shall try my best to have this attitude: you didn't happen to me, I happened to you.

You're stuck with me,

Carrie

jump rope

I find myself unable to feed my soul
lithium dries my lips and the
words will not come
except as they please.

I feel like I'm jumping rope in slow motion,
like the flick of my wrist isn't enough
to cut the friction of oxygen,
thick in my lungs.
but movement without
friction is an impossibility,
like world peace or happy family.

that's just the first part. I don't feel particularly inclined to share the rest.

doc lowered my dose! I'm down to 600mg of lithium as opposed to 900mg. he said that should cut my side effects by 70-80%...brilliant! as far as moods go, I do feel better, like I am slowly approaching normal. I was tempted to put normal in quotes, but I suppose I won't exactly be my "normal" ever again, hah.

well that's depressing. I like myself when I'm "manic". except for the anger part. I guess I really have no idea what I'm talking about.  OH, after talking about it with my counselor and then again with my friend, I took a Myers-Briggs personality test - and I'm an ENFP. After reading the description, it sounds pretty damn accurate, haha.

frozen

I don't really know what to write, I just feel like I should.

it is a fricking icicle in here right now - and we didn't even lose power.

this bipolar/counseling thing is stressful. I'm trying to come to terms with things I don't know how to explain and my therapist is pulling me in a completely different direction. we set therapy goals today. mine is something like "learning to identify triggers of and manage my depression and mood swings". she said she wasn't comfortable using "manic episodes" because she's not convinced I'm bipolar. that's something I need to work out with my head shrinker, who I see again on Friday. that will be AWESOME, especially because I've been in side effects HELL the last week and a half. might as well keep a list.

nausea
dizziness
shaking/tremors
loss of spatial awareness
bruises from running into things because of loss of spatial awareness
rash (possibly left over from the lamictal)
headache
can't think straight...I feel a little slow both physically and mentally

so basically, thank you, lithium, for fucking me up. I really would rather not be on meds. at least not these meds. these meds make me physically sick to the point where even if I'm starving, I don't want to eat because it will make me so nauseous. so basically, lithium causes anorexia.

it's funny how life gets in the way. it's not funny how people get in their own way.

this is spinal tap

I met my new counselor the other night. I really like her. she's not convinced I am bipolar - although she's known me for a minute and I've been seeing my shrink on and off for 3 years. plus my friends think the diagnosis makes sense. oh well, we'll see what happens.

also, I started taking lithium yesterday. it initially makes me a little nauseous/dizzy, but then cools off pretty quickly. we'll see how that goes, too.

I hung out with Bart last night. we went to see 127 Hours...OH my god, talk about intense! the cinematography and the soundtrack were both really well done, and James Franco did a pretty good job, but the part where he is actually severing his arm I just couldn't watch.

spoonful of sugar

this was my attempt at sanity. this blog. this collection of thoughts and writings and emotion. but you know what I realized yesterday? having this outlet, this tiny speck in all of internetdom, will do me absolutely zero good if this is the only place I attempt sanity. because if I don't wake up every morning and say "I'm going to make this work for me", then it won't. simple as that. it's only a shame it took me so long to realize that. ok, so it took me 2 weeks. but it was a miserable two weeks! haha

tomorrow I see my shrink and my new therapist.

if I let that fact that I'm fucked up fuck me up, then that would be so fucked up!

hunger

I had an adverse reaction to my mood stabilizer today. hives. headaches. which means I have to go see my shrink on Thursday to get a new drug. but I start seeing a counselor on Thursday night after working out! so that'll be good, I think. and Bart and I are going to hang out this weekend. and Saturday night Hoe and I have a lady date to go see the Gold Company show. I think I'm going to try and keep myself busy as opposed to sitting in my room knitting and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning. we'll see how well that works out.

I was late for work today. woke up at 8h05, have to be there at 8h30. oh well, it's not like I care about my job anyway.

I am starving - I think it's time for 2nd dinner.

introducing Bart, one of my best friends

Bart is one of those people that I have complete trust in and will say anything to regardless of the amount of time that passes between us talking/hanging out. we've been friends since...well, my mom used to babysit him and his sisters when we were in elementary school, so there ya go.

we were talking last night about our respective mental health issues, and he sent me this text:

"Dang. Idk if this is any help but you being bipolar doesn't change the fact that you're carrie and you're a great person that's incredibly fun to be around. just because you have something a doctor told you doesn't change that. I know it sounds corny, but you're a good person and as far as I can tell hat hasn't changed. I think as long as you remember the things and people you love...I don't think there's a drug that can take that from you. for whatever that's worth. I can't speak for what a drug will do, but if you keep what you love, I don't feel like you can lose. You just have to make a choice to make the best of whatever you're dealt. I know that probably sounds ridiculously hard at this point...but as cliche as it sounds if you just focus on the little things, the big things will take care of themselves. might sound stupid, but I really think that if you keep focused on who you are and what makes you carrie, you'll be fine."

I thanked him for being grounding. and for helping me slowly pull myself together. mostly I just want to keep a record of what he said to me, so I posted it here.

back to my knitting.

fragility

I don't know how to be this fragile person. This weepy, flaky, horrible person who can't control the temper she spent so many years getting in check. all of that work for nothing. I feel like all of the things I have done to better myself in the last 10 years have been for naught. I don't know how to react to not knowing who I am. I've never felt like that before.

I don't know how to react to my anger and frustration with myself for not having the patience to see what happens with this new medication. I don't know how to pretend that I have the patience.

I don't know how to be this person. because I'm not fragile. I worked hard to leave my unreasonable anger in the past. I have so much strength, but somewhere it was lost, leaving me drinking the dregs. I've been awake since 11am yesterday but I feel too wound up to sleep.

I want myself back.

Please.

don't watch "Precious"

I can't breathe.

tonight is hard. the pain in my calves is distracting in the best way, though.

the science of selling yourself short

I'm in love with John Henry. not only does he have incredible physical strength, but he understands what it is like to have nothing and he firmly believes in the power and knowledge of people over that of machines.

I'm also in love with Harrison Bergeron. he also has incredible physical and mental strength, but he is moody and willful and angry. I think he reminds me a little bit of myself, minus the physical strength thing.