good friends.

I've been told recently that I'm a good friend. Now this, coming from him, is because I've driven him home drunk on multiple occasions and drove/stayed with him in the ER a couple of months ago. But he's not the only one who's told me this. Rex thanked me for hanging out with him tonight, and he's even written a blog post about me!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about one of my closest friends, because I miss him and I feel like I've been neglecting our relationship. He is hands down the least judgmental person I've ever met, he gives great advice, he's fiercely loyal, and really is absolutely inspiring. I think that's the number one thing he's taught me; you don't have to save lives, write powerful words, or advocate for important causes to be inspiring. You just have to be a good person.

My favorite thing about us is how, regardless of time spent apart, we always fall right back into conversation like we spoke yesterday. I can honestly say that if, for some reason, I ever get married, I will most likely ask him to be my man of honor. I can't imagine my life without him.

So ok, maybe this all sounds a little creepy, or a little like I'm in love with him, but he has been my best friend for 15 years - and when you've only been alive for 23, that's a pretty long time.

This post didn't end up taking the direction I expected.

Drive fast, take chances.

photo bomb!

Sam

Andrea and Dale

Rex

pretty sure I'm manic.

Caitlin called the other day - she and Max are having another boy! Which means another pseudo-nephew for me...maybe someday I'll like babies. For now I'm building up excitement to play with Matchbox cars and GI Joes someday in the future. And of course I'm fantastically happy for them :-D

I'm really just fantastically happy right now. I fricking CRIED tonight I'm so happy. How does that even work? No idea. I almost went to get another piercing today between shows, but I shouldn't spend the cashmonies.

I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING.

I'm rereading this and it doesn't sound quite right. Turned on my mania eyes just now. Stand by for a potential update about me crashing.

it doesn't feel like Christmas.

Despite the fact that I've been working a Christmas cabaret show for the last 3 weeks, it doesn't feel like December, let alone the week before Christmas. I haven't done any shopping. I haven't put up decorations (save at work). I ordered Sam's gift, I'll be painting my parent's kitchen as their gift, and I got fabric to make my mom an apron, and that's it! Basically, this has been a $30 Christmas. While I don't have a consistent job right now, I feel like I should be spending/giving/donating more of my money...because I have some and I can do that.

I do have Christmas cards, however I feel disinclined to send them out. Hrm.

Trevor was here yesterday! It was really good to see him for a few hours.
It was also good to spend time with Rex at 4th last night.
Next Friday I have plans with Hoe!
People I need to call: AL, KJ, Mikey, Caitlin

I love myself.

That is all.

Does anyone read this?

my work schedule this week

Sunday: 1h15-4 (2.75 hrs)
Monday: 2h3-5 (2.5 hrs)
Tuesday: 7a-2h3, 6h45-9h30 (10.25 hrs)
Wednesday: 7a-12h3, 2h3-9h3 (12.5 hrs)
Thursday: 10a-3h3, 6h45-10p (8.25 hrs)
Friday: 7h15-10p (2.75 hrs)
Saturday: 7h15-10p (2.75 hrs)

= 41.75 hours split between 3 different theatres.
Awesome.

this post is nowhere near complete

By this point, you or someone you know has probably posted a link to Dan Pearce's "I'm Christian, unless you're gay" blog post somewhere. If not, you should read it - especially if you're my father. If I recall correctly, I've said something similar to my dad before, and his response has been something to the effect of "Just because I love them doesn't mean I have to condone their lifestyle." That's actually something I agree with whole-heartedly. Just because I love the women who sell themselves for sex doesn't mean I don't think that prostitution is demeaning and that they can, in all likelihood, do infinitely better for themselves. The thing about my dad's relationship with homosexuality, however, is that while he'll be perfectly nice to your face, he'll say hateful things behind your back and post those comments all over his Facebook page. But let's get a bit closer to the point.

I used to attend a church on my college campus. Last year, the pastor there was doing a sermon on doubt and, knowing full well that I'm not a Christian, she asked me to write a slam poetry piece on the subject to perform during the service. The poem only took a few minutes to write, but it was really personal and surprisingly well-received. I'll give you some snippets:

"...now, I'm not anti-Christianity
I'm anti-Christian
anti-self-righteous evangelists like my father who say I'm going to hell because I believe in homosexual marriage and in Allah and Buddha and karma and nature and the power of thought over the power of prayer...

...how many times have I driven past one of the homeless men who frequent the I-94 exit at Sprinkle Road wishing I had some food in my car to give them, only to forget about it the next day and lather, rinse, repeat until it's too cold out for them to walk there from the shelter downtown and I've missed my chance to prove to myself how much I love people even though I judge them when they spell Hungary like the country and not like the feeling in the bottom of your heart when something is missing...

...but as much as I love people, I find it hard to put my trust in those who have to use someone else's words to explain themselves
those who can quote scripture verbatim but can't put 10, 20, 30 words from their own mind together to tell me what they really think and feel
because I find that sitting around trying to be pious and living vicariously through the Bible to be a pitiful way to live...

...but look, here I am spewing ignorant, self-righteous bull shit just like those I said I was against.
you ask me if I believe in the god created by the words of men and I say no, I believe in the men created in the thoughts of Earth."

We all have certain levels of abhorrence toward different kinds of people. For my dad, I think it's mostly homosexuals, non-Christians, and Democrats. For me, it's people like him. I realize that it's counter-productive and hypocritical, but it's the truth.

One of the reactions to expressed opinions that really gets under my skin is "oh, well, you're only such-and-such age, you can't possibly have any kind of life experience or know enough about anything to have a well-informed, intelligent thought on the subject." Ok, yea, I'll concede that this is sometimes a correct assessment, but we've all been guilty of talking out our asses at some point, regardless of age or level of intelligence. To those who think that young people don't (or can't) have well thought-out opinions, try them. Try us. We might surprise you. And to all of the young people who can't (or don't) differentiate between your/you're, then/than, and their/there/they're, open a book. You're the reason other generations think we're unintelligent.

But hey, I'm only 23. What do I know?

Somewhere in the cosmos, it was decided that I would be happy

Today was day 3 of my partial and unofficial unemployment. That piece of information is very important.

I woke up late and rushed up to the high school to work with some of the techie kids. "Angry Uncle" Keith (tech master) didn't know I was going to come, and I told him that since I no longer have a full time job I was planning on hanging around and helping out. He then asked if I was willing to work for minimum wage and if I could show up at Chenery downtown tomorrow at 1pm and they would see about putting me on the payroll. PAYROLL. Three business days after I stop working in the doctor's office. Granted, being on payroll doesn't mean I'll be working consistently - but at this point I hardly care! I'm just too excited!

This evening, I went to rehearsal for the show I'm working right now - The Winter Wonderettes at Farmer's Alley Theatre.  I stayed late and helped the lighting designer and the ME hang can lights, cut gels, and general electrical schtuff.

Did I mention that instead of running my spot tomorrow, I'll be paid to take pictures of the show? Sandy changed her head shot that's on display in the lobby to one that I took of her a few weeks ago and I got some nice compliments and a request for head shots from Roger, the SM. They're going to pay me a little bit extra for the photos, too!

AND I'm dating a spectacular human/man/guy.

If the only things wrong with my life right now are that I've screwed up my sleep schedule and I'm addicted to caffeine, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well.

turkey day

Dear Uncles,

I love you, but you still make me a twinge uncomfortable when you spend Thanksgiving dinner making penis jokes.

Love,
Carrie

I'm not sure this post deserves a title

This show is making me miserable. We open Friday. I keep getting yelled at for things I have no control over.

This is why they tell you not to make a career out of the one thing you love more than anything.

Today, I bought a watch.

Last Sunday, my 10th and 11th grade English teacher committed suicide. He was 34 and married with a 3 year old son.

Last Wednesday, I got a new tattoo. It says "the show must go on".

Last Friday, I met my teacher's wife.

Today, I had a wicked migraine and left work early.
Today, I realized how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have the ability to overcome my mental illness. I'm lucky to know where the darker paths lead and to know that those are not even options for me.
Today, I know myself better.

my favorite shot from yesterday

I Think My Balls Have Dropped.

I have a crush on a boy.

Also, Sam and I both dig Mitch, the photo counter guy at Meijer.

I gave notice at my job. I can't believe I didn't tell Sam about that until today! I feel ready to leave this place.

Number of Work Days Left: 20 (only 4 weeks!)

Friday I made a bowl of meat. Well, ok, it's meat, rice, pico de gallo, salad dressing, and corn. It's delicious! Or should I say was delicious.

Took some cool shots of Sam this afternoon. It was a really nice, almost therapeutic shoot. I'm ready to be a photographer! I mean, I already am, but I think I'm still waiting for that big moment where I feel vindicated and legitimate. This week I'm shooting with Rex, and possibly Jake and Adam. Bring it!

Happy in the Gray

My friend Rex posted about happiness yesterday, and it got me thinking. Where is it written that we, as humans, are supposed to be happy?

Everyone gets depressed sometimes, true, but not everyone has depression. If we've spoken about it or if you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know that in the past I've been the version of myself that doesn't sing or knit and gets home from work every day to spend six hours sitting on my bedroom floor crying. Because I have been gifted with self-awareness, it's easy enough for me to look at that person and say, "Ok Carrie, this is not you." The trick though, is being able to ask for help once you've reached that realization. There is no doubt in my mind that I am incredibly lucky. Yes, I have bipolar and asthma and a few other medical issues, but I have insurance. I was raised to know that those things can and will be taken care of. Even now, if I didn't have insurance, there are enough drug companies and programs that will give medication for free.

Medication is a challenging thing. For some people taking it is a no-brainer, something they are happy to do. Maybe they see it as a cure, maybe not. Others are staunchly opposed to taking it for a variety of reasons, namely because they don't want to be chemically altered or become dependent. To me, those are the black and white views. I used to be absolutely against taking medication, and then it became a necessary part of my life. Now I like to think I'm happy somewhere in the gray - no longer fighting against my depressed self sans militia simply for fear of dependency, but not succumbing to the false assumption that medication will solve all of my problems.

Here's a secret: I haven't taken my meds in about a month now. How am I doing? A little up a little down - just like everyone else. If I feel myself slipping, I know I can take care of it. My issue at this point though, is that my anti-depressant basically induces my manic rage. I'm working on getting a new drug. I'm glad that I know myself well enough to be able to notice those patterns without the help of a doctor.

I realize that I will probably be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life, and that's ok. That's ok because I know who I am, and it's not the depressed, pathetic version. It's the strong, goofy, nerdy version. Medication doesn't put you in a chemical-happiness bubble, it keeps you from losing your true self to your depression.

And honestly? It helps. So am I happy? Am I depressed? Not all of the time, no. Am I thinking clearly and doing what I feel like I should be doing? For myself, yes. Something that always makes me happy is being able to put a smile on other people's faces. I think that's one of the reasons I seem so motherly some times - because if I know you're sad, I will try and go out of my way to put a smile on your face.

time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

Time is a funny thing. Timing seems to be even more funny. I think the universe is telling me that I have made exactly the choices I was supposed to make. Last week I did head shots for an actress I work with at the theatre. Because she and I met up at the theatre before our shoot, the executive director asked me to take a couple of publicity shots for the show they're currently rehearsing - in exchange for free tickets to the show! It's days/weeks/months like this when I really sit down and think "Yes, Carrie, someday you really will be able to make a living as a photographer!"


I got a photography job! Well, ok, my friend Ben got me a photography job. Freelance, of course, but a gig is a gig! And the coordinator said that if the shoot tomorrow morning goes well, there will be more opportunities for me to work with her company. I'll be driving up to Grand Rapids tomorrow morning to spend some time in a high school classroom taking photos of the teacher. I am so excited!

Yesterday I did engagement photos for my friends Nathan and Tricha. Some of them turned out so well! I'm excited to show them.

"If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories." -From Donnie Darko

Letter to the Editor

I suppose you've heard about the protests going on in NYC and throughout the rest of the country. If not, you have now. Here is the letter I wrote to the editor of the Kalamazoo Gazette this evening (morning):

"I understand why protests modeled after NYC are springing up all over the country, but I'm not sure they are going about it in the right way.

The organizer's website (https://occupywallst.org/) states "We, the people of the United States of America, considering the crisis at hand, now reassert our sovereign control of our land." I see a who, a what, a where, and a why, but I don't see a HOW - and that's the most important one! I am all for solidarity and I completely appreciate the right to assemble, but I really wish someone would take the time to think this through. There have to be people out there who think that being rational is more effective than being emotional!
The movement has become known as "We Are The 99%", and the introduction on their website (http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/Introduction) reads as follows: "If you’re reading this, there’s a 99 percent chance that you’re one of us. You’re someone who doesn’t know whether there’s going to be enough money to make this month’s rent. You’re someone who gets sick and toughs it out because you’ll never afford the hospital bills. You’re someone who’s trying to move a mountain of debt that never seems to get any smaller no matter how hard you try."

According to this statement, I am not in the 99%. I'm in the 1% who knows they can afford next month's rent and who can afford hospital and doctor bills if it becomes necessary. My debt is limited to the $72 and some change on my only credit card.

The site also gives a description for the other 1%: "They are the 1 percent. They are the banks, the mortgage industry, the insurance industry. They are the important ones." I am none of those industries. I am a 23-year-old woman. And if this emotional thinking is truly the way our country is headed, then I most certainly am one of the important ones."

Seriously, people.


Also, here's a cool shot I took of Mad today.

Medical Mess[ages]

Just wanted to update regarding my medical issues. It's really become a never ending parade of crap. Super eloquent. CRAP.

So I had my EMG, and it was normal. Ok, cool - why is my hand still tingly and numb?

I also had the blood work run (RA, ANA, sed rate, CRP) and it was normal EXCEPT - and here's where I got excited because previously I'd been used to everything being normal - my CRP. For those of you unfamiliar with CRP, it stands for C-Reactive Protein, and it's essentially just a measure of overall inflammation. Mine was 1.6, when it should have been between 0.0-0.9. That result is nonspecific, so something inflammatory is going on, we just don't know the cause. The rheumatologist I've been speaking with thinks it may be caused by an allergy, which is possible, so I'm cutting out foods one by one, starting with peanuts. It may also be an allergy to my medication, which is harder for me to just stop taking because I know how I'll get. Definitely something to call Dr. M. about this week.

Will Shoot for Food!

I have done a ton of pictures the last couple weekends. Ok, well, not a ton, but quite a few. Along with this I've been working my normal week, writing letters to both of my prison pen pals as well as a couple of other friends, and knitting.

My "nephew" Declan.

Tammi and James' wedding.

Sam and Andy's engagement.

Sam.

Friday I had an EMG, which is quite possibly the worst test I've ever had to have done. It sucked. You don't ever want one, seriously. I also had some blood work done: RA, ANA, CRP, and sed rate. Meaning? They're looking for an autoimmune disease. Balls.

A Wild Blog Appeared!

Oh man, things have been happening!

Bee and I shot a wedding last Saturday, which was stressful, but turned out well in the end, I think. We'll see for sure once all of our pictures are edited and together. Sunday I went out shooting in BC with my uncle and I got a few good shots! I threw a couple of them in the post.

Shooting engagement photos on Sunday, but not before the annual Labor Day Awesomely Fun Time Thing at the Horn lake house! I'm so excited to see Caitlin! and Max and Declan. And Casey and Alex and Allison. and everyone's parents as well, I suppose.

And I got another prison letter today! I really like Matt, he's pretty cool. I think he's hitting on me a bit via letter though - but hey, he's in prison for the rest of his life and there are no ladies there. If I were in his shoes I'd probably be doing the same thing. This past Monday I mailed a letter out to another guy, Kyle, in Iowa. We'll see if he writes back!

I needed this :)

Friday I got a letter from my prison pen pal! He seems like he's pretty cool. I'm excited to hear more from him.

Yesterday was fantastic! Hung out with Amy Hoe at her boss' birthday party and watched Amy, Jeff, Justin, Ed, and Heather get drunk = I laughed really, really hard.

But the BEST part of yesterday was getting to see Conr! I forgot how much I missed that kid. It was so strange to be hanging out with him, Sam, and Nick Rhodes, of all people. I was almost surreal, haha. Conr is still hands down one of the nicest, most understanding people I've ever met. Sometimes I think he's wise beyond his years. I'm beyond glad we've kept in touch.

this is what happens when I eat ice cream for dinner.

Is it possible to feel lost and found at the same time? I want everything and I want nothing. I wonder if this is how I'd feel if one of my toes was removed and reattached on the other foot. I am in such a weird, chill mood right now. I wish I could explain it better.

The other day I wrote a letter to a guy in jail. I'm really excited to see if he responds and to see what he has to say. I'm looking forward to having a pen pal who has a completely different life, different experiences, different and potentially similar thoughts.

I just got a chill.

muddy blues you can't refuse

The Cowpie Blues Festival does wonderful things to my soul. These guys were there. So was my cousin Josh (Motor City Josh and the Big 3). The ground was muddy, the air was cold, and I feel so fantastically chill. mmmmmmmmmmmm

Incredulous.

I don't have words to accurately express how I feel about knowing the girl who has my life. She is a tiny, adorable, motivated girl who is going to do fabulous things with her life - and I kind of want to punch her.

I'm in one of those weird moods right now where I can't figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I'm frustrated with my inability to force followthrough, I'm lonely, my social anxiety is climbing, my body hurts...and I'm a whiner baby. I think I'm over having a mental illness. It was a relief for a while, you know? Just to know that there is (isn't?) a method to the madness.

Yea, I'm definitely over it. I don't think I want to deal with bipolar for the next 60 years. Have we found a cure yet? Haha

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin the other night. He was complaining about his dad/family and how they treat him, and I wasn't going to say anything but I saw so much of my relationship with my mom in the situation that I had to. I actually surprised myself! I explained that from the outside it seems like they are both acting like children and that my cousin is different from the rest of his siblings and wont be treated the same way they are.

It's difficult to not expect our parents to be good at parenting...because sometimes they're just not.

so much for July!

I just realized I haven't posted in over a month. I've been meaning to, but every time I make my way here, it's late and I'm too tired to write anything. That's actually exactly how I feel right now, but I'm making it happen anyway.

So basically, July happened. I turned 23, and I honestly don't remember what else happened. Super thrilling, I know.

Last week I took my first full week off in the two years I've had my job. It was completely overdue! I think I'll post an update on that later - I need to sleep!

Chemistry Lesson

Several years ago, my friend Chris told me he was going to be a truck driver. He said as long as he was happy at home, it didn't matter what he did for a living. At the time, I couldn't fathom being stuck in a job that I disliked, let alone choosing one, but I think I understand now. I work in an office, and it's your typical boring job: faxing, filing, running around looking for files. I'm not really very fond of it, but it pays the bills and my savings are growing so I really can't complain about the money.

Chris is now going to school for chemistry or biology, I don't remember which exactly.

Mentally and emotionally it's probably not healthy for me to have kept myself in my current job. I'm not fulfilled or challenged, and I'm certainly not excited to get up every day to go to work, but I am learning to take time outside of work to do things for myself. For example, I rewarded the last six months of hard work and exercise by buying tiny neon shorts. I know, it's not actually that exciting, but it's something. I like to go on walks, I like to knit, and read. I'm learning to stop fixating on how much I dislike my job and finding other ways to make myself smile.

Speaking of smiling, the other day I had a gentleman over and we made chocolate covered bacon. If you've never tried this before, you really should - even if you think it sounds gross. He is...something. I feel like I might get weirdly gushy if I go into detail so I'll just say that I love his playful confidence.

And I get to go to the chiropractor in the morning. Manipulations are better than therapy.

this is post 50.

this is the post where I choose to be happy.
really fucking happy.
and this is the post where I sing loudly and sometimes out of tune.

the day the music died

I just realized that I've stopped singing.
I don't think I've ever wanted to come off my meds more than I do right now. And I'm having a meltdown.

let's do it.

I just decided today was going to be a good day.

I'm going to get stuff done.
Go grocery shopping (but on a Saturday afternoon? maybe not.), edit a TON of pictures.
I already have a load of laundry in the dryer.

I've been reading Vonnegut.

So, SO exhausted.

Saturday Bridgette and I drove to Livonia and shot a wedding. On the way home I shut my toes in the car door. So it goes.

Sunday I had a 10 hour tech rehearsal for Blood Brothers, which opens this Friday. I've had a 5-6 hour rehearsal every night since. So it goes.

I've been thinking about this boy I'm seeing. He doesn't really like books and I don't get it.

I'm too tired to finish that thought.

"you look like a man in need of a nook"

I'm feeling a tad odd this evening. Possibly a mixture of sleep deprivation, excitement and anxiety for the coming weekend, and just weird emotion-y stuff.

I saw a baby this past weekend. He got his head crossed with blessed water and didn't cry at all...and then we ate a lot of food. so, for the two people who may periodically read this blog, here is a photo of my "nephew" that you may or may not have already seen on Facebook:

Yep, goofy picture. But I like it. Because I took it. Schblaaaarrgh. Good night.

I think I'm overdue for a happy post!

I am currently in a state of happiness.
Uncle Gary brought me an awesome Irish rock cd that was recorded in his garage.
Last night, I laughed. A lot and loudly. I was hyper and a little bit giddy and it was fantastic.
I like food.
It's rainy! Perfect weather for staying in and trying to finish knitting my vest! When I'm done hopefully I can get Sam to model it and take some cool photos. And here she comes into my room!

going slightly mad.

I don't want to sleep. This is bad. This I know. This I am struggling to change. Trying to do it without meds. It's challenging, and because I only feel up to it about half the time, I'm not entirely sure of how successful I'll be. Going into it with fingers crossed, I guess, lol. That's not really an lol moment but oh well. I deflect with humor.

Pseudo-goodnight.

friends/rant

I've realized that I have no friends and it's my fault. and by "no", I mean "very few". I alienate myself when I'm depressed or overly anxious, like last fall when I pretty much bailed on all of my friends at Wesley. which really the only one I was close to is/was Katie. my other Wesley peeps have all moved to other cities anyway.

which brings me to loving the Brophys. Those boys are absolutely spectacular. I think Jason and I are starting to become closer, which seemed a bit odd to me at first, because I was sweet on him for so long, but it's really nice. it seems like we're just now realizing how much we have in common besides being goofy and just a little off, haha.

I miss Sam. She gets home on Monday though, which is amazing. it's just hard sometimes, because she tends to do the same thing as my mom - I'm not sure either of them can tell when I want their opinion/input versus when I just need them to listen. seriously though, Sam is hands down the best friend I have ever had. Thinking about all these other people I've called my "best friend" in the last 20 years and the only person who can even touch her is Mikey...and those are two different kinds of relationships so I shouldn't compare. I'll probably be fucked when we end up living in different states and, you know, having lives outside of Kzoo. I think that's why people get married. consistancy. they don't have to move across the country by themselves. they don't have to live by themselves. they don't even have to shower by themselves if they don't want to.

I think it's kinda weak though, you know? how can you learn about yourself if you've never been by yourself?

mini rant.

she's a maaaniac, maaaaaniac!

haha, all I can picture when I hear that song is Jennifer Beals in legwarmers.

I have new meds! ok, well, sorta. Dr. M. doubled my dose of oxcarbazepine and I'm back on Trazadone...which means I will SLEEP! for reasonable hours! and I won't be angry ALL THE TIME. brilliant.

ridiculous.

I am, again, wide awake at 2h30 am. and I want to go outside a run a mile...or something like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm edging up on hypomania. I'm starting to want to take on a lot of projects and my mind is getting faster - which is funny because the other day I was thinking about how I miss being able to think that quickly. if I start stammering within the next week I'm definitely going to give Dr. M. a call.

here's what will happen:

1. Dr. M. will up my dose
2. Dr. M. will up my dose and give me something to help me sleep
3. Dr. M. will put me back on lithium (I think it's too early to tell on this one)
4. I will become hypomanic and screw something up - probably my job, possibly a friendship or two. not that I have all that many of those left. also, I may (unintentionally) injure myself again.
5. WHY AM I SUDDENLY OBSESSED WITH MAKING LISTS?

the fact that I can't sleep is not helping my mental status at all. seriously, I'm about to start crying. bloody hell. please sleep, I want you!

12-Step Program

How to make April 2011 pretty much awful:

1. Bronchitis
2. Asthma + Bronchitis
3. Stop bipolar meds in exchange for antibiotics and steroids for the bronchitis and asthma
4. No eating because of illnesses
5. Medication change from lithium to oxcarbazepine
6. Oxcarbazepine causing insomnia
7. Irritate tendon and nerve in right elbow
8. Two weeks later tear TFCC in right wrist
9. Moving across town while injured
10. Skip work because of a combination of wrist and elbow pain and medication wooziness
11. No internet for almost the entire month
12. Force myself to stay away from the tattoo parlor

playoff beards

I just had a 20 minute conversation about beards with an old coworker/friend-ish person guy.

pretty much awesome. but again, 1h20 am and still awake.

Kami.

she just made me smile. I met her (haven't seen her since) two years ago and she just im'd me out of nowhere to tell me I'm awesome and to say this:

"You're one of those people who people wish they could be like... all carefree and naturally gorgeous because you are you and no one else."

[side note: why am I still awake...again? it's 2h30 am! I think I will blame the new meds...I'll give it a couple more days before I call my pdoc.]

back in the saddle...again

it's been awhile since I've had internet and been able to post...

went to the pdoc on Friday and he changed my meds - from lithium to oxcarbazepine (trileptal) and so far so good. although I've taken a whopping 4 doses, haha.

I'm tired. it's 1h15am and I have to work at 8h30. so that's 6 hours sleep, max. but the boss is on vacation! shabam!

oh yea, I have a boyfriend. hah! we'll see how well that turns out. every time I freak out he tells me he knew what he was getting himself into by dating me. yea, it makes me feel suuuuuper awesome about myself.

I need someone to tell me to take my meds.

I can't do this right now. Please? For most people this is considered a breakdown, but for me this is...normal. Being sick made my moods go bonkers, AND I stopped taking my lithium for a few days because of the antibiotics. And oh look what happened. I'm a fucking idiot.

I've been consistently crying, eating, and thinking about getting something else pierced for the last 3 days. So does this (plus other things, don't worry) mean I'm depressed or manic? Oh hey, it's BOTH.

Like I said, I'm a fucking idiot. Caitlin is texting me and she's all baby happy and I just wanna sit around and do nothing until forever.

I emailed Madison's dad about living in her basement last week, and he called me but I never called back. Partially because I don't want to, partially because talking on the phone with strangers make my anxiety skyrocket. I emailed him today and he said to just let him know when I want to move in and how long I want to stay, so at least I can actually still live there.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING HAS GOTTEN WORSE SINCE MY DIAGNOSIS? Apparently that's pretty normal - you're diagnosed and you start to become more aware of your emotional swings. I should probably do some sort of mood charting, but I don't even want to start, because I won't remember to do it and then I'll be angry with myself later for not.

down with the sickness

I have bronchitis. I think being sick made my moods worse. I don't really feel like writing anything.

I don't hear voices.

yesterday I joined MDJunction support groups for bipolar disorder, just to try and learn some things about myself from others who have more experience than I do.

I learned another symptom of hypomania/mania that reconfirms my diagnosis: hallucinations. I don't see bugs or mice crawling when they're not there or anything like that. I see faces in ceilings, stucco walls, slices of bread, anything with texture. I really just thought it was my imagination having fun - like it did when I was a kid - although it caught me by surprise, so that should have been a red flag. Thinking about it, I remember having a panic attack of sorts...I was maybe 19 at the time, living in the dorm at school where the ceilings are very textured, and I remember crying while my eyes flitted about the ceiling searching for a spot where I didn't see a face.

Let me be clear, though - I don't hear voices.

I lift my lamp beside the golden door

I keep forgetting to take my meds. And I've had a terrific headache the last few days. Cause and effect? Possibly.

I've been feeling relatively estranged today. But I'm doing a show, so hopefully that will kick some of my old self back into gear.

I need to find somewhere to live. Maybe the basement room in Sam's house is available? Mental notes: email Madison about room, buy mom's birthday gift.

knit one

it's been a while.

not much new on the bipolar/meds/moods front, except that I'm beginning to be able to tell the difference between before and after the lithium. most notably, my mind doesn't race anymore! my mouth can actually keep up with it, which is exciting, but at the same time depressing. that is one of the things that made me so easily excited, and while I still am easily excited, I feel like I try and force it sometimes because I'm used to being far more energetic.

and now on to the stupid, typical boy dramarama.

there are two boys. we'll call them R and D. I used to date D 2 1/2 years ago. D still wants to be together, and I most definitely do not.

R, on the other hand, I think I would very much like to date, and he reciprocates, but we can't until I decide I want to have sex. because if we don't have sex he can't "make an emotional connection". if it were any other guy I'd say it was a cop-out, but R is 100% the most honest person I have ever met and there is no way we would have had the conversations about sex that we have if he (we) weren't. so I believe the things he says and really I think I like him all the more for it.

existential crisis

ok, I'm feeling weird. I think maybe I'm PMSing. I just feel anxious and confused and jittery and I'm starving. I wish I had better words for this.

...it looks like muddy water and tastes like turpentine

can I just say that my little brother is by far one of the bravest and most badass people I have even met? good, because I just did.

when I fist started have issues with depression when I was 18, I would come home and cry to my parents. my mother, being the unfeeling creature that she is, had no idea what to do, and of course did and said all the wrong things. it's not her fault, she was just ignorant of the situation. the next time I entered a major depressive episode, I avoided my parents - well, my mom at least. and this past fall (episode #3) I pretty much avoided both of them.

my brother is having similar issues, and I think it took him a lot less time to realize that our mother is terrible at dealing with negative things. he called me today and we talked for 45 minutes because he wanted to know how I have felt and compare it to what he is feeling in order to paint a more complete picture for his doctor tomorrow. it is really starting to amaze me how alike he and I are. I don't mean likes and dislikes, but more fundamental character traits. For example, we are both happier when we are 100% in control, we are both very self-aware, we just...are finally starting to understand each other.

he is far braver than I, to be able to go through this while he is in the military and on the other side of the country.

hubris

Now that I'm feeling "over the hump", so to speak, I have far less to say.

Every person has three major faults: ignorance, pride, and an opinion.

just the two of us

Dear Bipolar,

Happy one month anniversary! I only wish that we had been able to make this work in that amount of time. I am also worried about our children - I do appreciate you taking my child from a previous relationship under your wing; my dear Wellbutrin is indeed thriving. It is our baby Lithium that worries me most. What sort of effect will he have on the world? Will he be as docile as his sister, or continue down the darker path of hostility? I know my questions can only really be answered with time, so I will try my best to be patient in the hope that our relationship and the life of our son will turn out for the best.

And from now on I shall try my best to have this attitude: you didn't happen to me, I happened to you.

You're stuck with me,

Carrie

jump rope

I find myself unable to feed my soul
lithium dries my lips and the
words will not come
except as they please.

I feel like I'm jumping rope in slow motion,
like the flick of my wrist isn't enough
to cut the friction of oxygen,
thick in my lungs.
but movement without
friction is an impossibility,
like world peace or happy family.

that's just the first part. I don't feel particularly inclined to share the rest.

doc lowered my dose! I'm down to 600mg of lithium as opposed to 900mg. he said that should cut my side effects by 70-80%...brilliant! as far as moods go, I do feel better, like I am slowly approaching normal. I was tempted to put normal in quotes, but I suppose I won't exactly be my "normal" ever again, hah.

well that's depressing. I like myself when I'm "manic". except for the anger part. I guess I really have no idea what I'm talking about.  OH, after talking about it with my counselor and then again with my friend, I took a Myers-Briggs personality test - and I'm an ENFP. After reading the description, it sounds pretty damn accurate, haha.

frozen

I don't really know what to write, I just feel like I should.

it is a fricking icicle in here right now - and we didn't even lose power.

this bipolar/counseling thing is stressful. I'm trying to come to terms with things I don't know how to explain and my therapist is pulling me in a completely different direction. we set therapy goals today. mine is something like "learning to identify triggers of and manage my depression and mood swings". she said she wasn't comfortable using "manic episodes" because she's not convinced I'm bipolar. that's something I need to work out with my head shrinker, who I see again on Friday. that will be AWESOME, especially because I've been in side effects HELL the last week and a half. might as well keep a list.

nausea
dizziness
shaking/tremors
loss of spatial awareness
bruises from running into things because of loss of spatial awareness
rash (possibly left over from the lamictal)
headache
can't think straight...I feel a little slow both physically and mentally

so basically, thank you, lithium, for fucking me up. I really would rather not be on meds. at least not these meds. these meds make me physically sick to the point where even if I'm starving, I don't want to eat because it will make me so nauseous. so basically, lithium causes anorexia.

it's funny how life gets in the way. it's not funny how people get in their own way.

this is spinal tap

I met my new counselor the other night. I really like her. she's not convinced I am bipolar - although she's known me for a minute and I've been seeing my shrink on and off for 3 years. plus my friends think the diagnosis makes sense. oh well, we'll see what happens.

also, I started taking lithium yesterday. it initially makes me a little nauseous/dizzy, but then cools off pretty quickly. we'll see how that goes, too.

I hung out with Bart last night. we went to see 127 Hours...OH my god, talk about intense! the cinematography and the soundtrack were both really well done, and James Franco did a pretty good job, but the part where he is actually severing his arm I just couldn't watch.

spoonful of sugar

this was my attempt at sanity. this blog. this collection of thoughts and writings and emotion. but you know what I realized yesterday? having this outlet, this tiny speck in all of internetdom, will do me absolutely zero good if this is the only place I attempt sanity. because if I don't wake up every morning and say "I'm going to make this work for me", then it won't. simple as that. it's only a shame it took me so long to realize that. ok, so it took me 2 weeks. but it was a miserable two weeks! haha

tomorrow I see my shrink and my new therapist.

if I let that fact that I'm fucked up fuck me up, then that would be so fucked up!

hunger

I had an adverse reaction to my mood stabilizer today. hives. headaches. which means I have to go see my shrink on Thursday to get a new drug. but I start seeing a counselor on Thursday night after working out! so that'll be good, I think. and Bart and I are going to hang out this weekend. and Saturday night Hoe and I have a lady date to go see the Gold Company show. I think I'm going to try and keep myself busy as opposed to sitting in my room knitting and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning. we'll see how well that works out.

I was late for work today. woke up at 8h05, have to be there at 8h30. oh well, it's not like I care about my job anyway.

I am starving - I think it's time for 2nd dinner.

introducing Bart, one of my best friends

Bart is one of those people that I have complete trust in and will say anything to regardless of the amount of time that passes between us talking/hanging out. we've been friends since...well, my mom used to babysit him and his sisters when we were in elementary school, so there ya go.

we were talking last night about our respective mental health issues, and he sent me this text:

"Dang. Idk if this is any help but you being bipolar doesn't change the fact that you're carrie and you're a great person that's incredibly fun to be around. just because you have something a doctor told you doesn't change that. I know it sounds corny, but you're a good person and as far as I can tell hat hasn't changed. I think as long as you remember the things and people you love...I don't think there's a drug that can take that from you. for whatever that's worth. I can't speak for what a drug will do, but if you keep what you love, I don't feel like you can lose. You just have to make a choice to make the best of whatever you're dealt. I know that probably sounds ridiculously hard at this point...but as cliche as it sounds if you just focus on the little things, the big things will take care of themselves. might sound stupid, but I really think that if you keep focused on who you are and what makes you carrie, you'll be fine."

I thanked him for being grounding. and for helping me slowly pull myself together. mostly I just want to keep a record of what he said to me, so I posted it here.

back to my knitting.

fragility

I don't know how to be this fragile person. This weepy, flaky, horrible person who can't control the temper she spent so many years getting in check. all of that work for nothing. I feel like all of the things I have done to better myself in the last 10 years have been for naught. I don't know how to react to not knowing who I am. I've never felt like that before.

I don't know how to react to my anger and frustration with myself for not having the patience to see what happens with this new medication. I don't know how to pretend that I have the patience.

I don't know how to be this person. because I'm not fragile. I worked hard to leave my unreasonable anger in the past. I have so much strength, but somewhere it was lost, leaving me drinking the dregs. I've been awake since 11am yesterday but I feel too wound up to sleep.

I want myself back.

Please.

don't watch "Precious"

I can't breathe.

tonight is hard. the pain in my calves is distracting in the best way, though.

the science of selling yourself short

I'm in love with John Henry. not only does he have incredible physical strength, but he understands what it is like to have nothing and he firmly believes in the power and knowledge of people over that of machines.

I'm also in love with Harrison Bergeron. he also has incredible physical and mental strength, but he is moody and willful and angry. I think he reminds me a little bit of myself, minus the physical strength thing.

watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" in a movie theater is fantastic

I feel horribly lost today. drowning in my head. I don't know if I can handle all of the time it will take to balance out. I have good physical balance and I would happily give it up if it meant I could be mentally balanced instead.

I'm fighting an internal conflict. one side is glad I'm on medication, excited for the day when it will all kick in and I will snap out of it. the other side is angry and confused, wondering why I'm putting more chemicals into my body, freaking out about side effects, crying because I'm never going to be the same person again, scared that the drugs will make my personality flat. logically, of course, I'm siding with the former. or at least I'm trying to.

why don't I have a counselor yet? that will be priority numero uno for tomorrow.

today my brother turned 20

Dear Catwoman,

I just found a poem I wrote about you, dated 12/27/10.

Apples

I know a woman powered by breath
who lives off words and whiskey and
apples she collects like men.
coon skulls and plastic feet map out points on a grid with no mathematical function
except a dance with a mustache in a sweater vest

sometimes my head is spinning
but I come home to deer in my front yard who watch me
climb from my car and up the porch steps without darting away
and I know she is watching me

 I miss you.

Love,
Carrie

cardinal directions

this week was awful.

I feel like I have no words anymore, you know? like everything I have ever said is the summation of everything I ever will say. I'm never going to learn much more than I already know and I'm not going to grow any more. my mind is freezing as my body gets older. I will fight it.

Thursday I went to see my shrink for a med check. SURPRISE! I'm bipolar. it's not really a surprise, I guess - just an overwhelming explanation for the last few years of my life. over the last two days a desire to apologize to everyone has been building up in my head. an "I'm sorry if I flaked/freaked out/fucked up somehow and here's why" kind of deal. but I just keep telling myself that being bipolar is a reason, not an excuse. massive difference. and if I'm bipolar, then I'm going to try and embrace it, because any other course of action would quite possibly be even more detrimental to my mental health.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a little while yesterday and she was asking me all kinda of questions about being bipolar. somehow we ended up on the topic of my weight - apparently she didn't know that when I was 17 and looked really thin that she used to tell me I looked too skinny and I needed to eat something nearly every day, and that it got to the point where I didn't even want to look in the mirror. She kept denying it, saying that she never had a big concern about my weight except once in the 6th grade when I lost weight because I was overextended. I sent her a message on Facebook with a link attached to some information on bipolar II, and this is the message I got back from her this morning:

"Thanks for the info. Guess I really haven't spent much time around you in the last 4 years or so. I've seen the depression but not mania. Things like overspending and pretentiousness? Anyway, got to thinking about your comments on weight when you were a teen. Dad and I did go through a period of time when we were concerned about you having an eating disorder. Didn't realize it carried over into my interactions w/you. You have probably noticed I don't really have comforting words when it comes to bad things in a person's life. Just not good w/that stuff; even for my own children. Its hard being imperfect and not wanting to be. Let me know how I can support you. I just know there are plenty of people out there w/bipolar that are having great lives. I know a couple. I always think of you as strong enough to handle what life throws at you, but if you need something, please ask."

 It hasn't been until recently that I am finding out just how highly my mother thinks of me.

I always hoped my life wouldn't be this kind of hard. I need a compass.