I've been feeling a bit like a pressure cooker lately. Or maybe a deep fryer? Nah, pressure cooker. I'm kind of festering, but in a (hopefully. probably.) less gross way. I've been on the verge of tears a lot, but I haven't been able to let go and just have a good cry even though I so badly want to! I feel antsy and anxious, like part of the me I know is hiding somewhere and I can't find her. I've had insomnia the last few nights, and while it's been worse before, it's still no fun and making work harder. I'm having trouble keeping everything in my head, too, and that's bad news bears for a stage manager.
I almost feel depressed, but its so hard to know when you've crossed that line. I've been far worse before, but it can be a slippery slope and I'm not sure which rung of the ladder I'm on. Having a shit Christmas didn't help I'm sure. I'm still hoping for an apology from my mother, although I'm not sure she thinks she needs to give one. She never seems to think she plays a part in our fights, like any of the responsibility is hers. She has a tendency to play the victim, to take everything so personally that she ends up laying on (or trying to, however subconscious it may be) a pretty thick guilt trip and blaming it all on the people around her (read: her children). Ah, well, I've pretty much given up on that relationship and that actually makes me feel a bit better about my life. Because being in a toxic relationship with someone just because you're blood related still means it's unhealthy and you shouldn't participate, amiright?
On an even brighter note, I have the most fantastic boyfriend I could possibly have. And I'm still alive and kickin! :)
