"Blessed With A Burden"

I am depressed.

What could I possibly say about how I'm feeling right now that hasn't been said a thousand times, and more eloquently, more sensibly, in more or better detail, by other people? Is it even worth it for me to take the time to put into words that I just don't feel like myself? That I know that the person living in my head right now is only a partial version of me? The most frustrating thing is this on repeat. This awful, caged feeling that works its way in every once in a while, affirming depression and killing energy, attention span, motivation, and nearly making it worse because of frequency.

I'll admit that I'm not surprised I ended up here this time around. Sometimes I can stave it off or circumvent it completely - and sometimes I think that's what is meant when folks who've never been here say that depression is circumstantial. Yes, occasionally I can pull myself up by the bootstraps before it gets too bad, but the fact remains that it was there hiding to begin with, it's always there hiding to begin with, regardless of circumstance. I just don't always have the time or energy to fight it. Or maybe I've had too much time and filled it with sleeping instead.

There's nothing I can say to make it better except a reaffirmation that I am more than this. I am more than falling asleep in dirty sheets every night because I keep thinking about washing them but just don't, more than crying in the shower, more than silence in the car, more than laying in bed all day not eating, more than increased anxiety because the fan in my boyfriend's xbox is extra loud today.

I am knitting, singing, laughing, adventuring. I will always find my way back.

Yin and Yang

I've been feeling a bit like a pressure cooker lately. Or maybe a deep fryer? Nah, pressure cooker. I'm kind of festering, but in a (hopefully. probably.) less gross way. I've been on the verge of tears a lot, but I haven't been able to let go and just have a good cry even though I so badly want to! I feel antsy and anxious, like part of the me I know is hiding somewhere and I can't find her. I've had insomnia the last few nights, and while it's been worse before, it's still no fun and making work harder. I'm having trouble keeping everything in my head, too, and that's bad news bears for a stage manager.

I almost feel depressed, but its so hard to know when you've crossed that line. I've been far worse before, but it can be a slippery slope and I'm not sure which rung of the ladder I'm on. Having a shit Christmas didn't help I'm sure. I'm still hoping for an apology from my mother, although I'm not sure she thinks she needs to give one. She never seems to think she plays a part in our fights, like any of the responsibility is hers. She has a tendency to play the victim, to take everything so personally that she ends up laying on (or trying to, however subconscious it may be) a pretty thick guilt trip and blaming it all on the people around her (read: her children). Ah, well, I've pretty much given up on that relationship and that actually makes me feel a bit better about my life. Because being in a toxic relationship with someone just because you're blood related still means it's unhealthy and you shouldn't participate, amiright?

On an even brighter note, I have the most fantastic boyfriend I could possibly have. And I'm still alive and kickin! :)