Semantics Facebook Rant!

just wanted to save a copy of my Facebook status:

Here's the thing - and I may be getting caught up in semantics, here - but I absolutely hate the use of the term "disorder". I don't have a mental disorder, I don't have a mental illness, I'm just not average and therefore I've been given a label with a negative connotation and stigma attached.

I don't HAVE bipolar, I AM bipolar. It's not an infection that will go away with antibiotics, it's a part of me. Some days it's completely wonderful, and some days it feels like I'm bleeding hundreds of emotions through every orifice and they're really sticky and gross and no matter how hard I try I can't make them stop and I can't stop crying or laughing or raging or all three at once and my thoughts won't stop racing and I write run-on sentences.

Even those days are worth it when I can look back on them and think about who I would be if I'd never had that experience.

work, in so many ways

I've been overwhelmed lately. In the spring I auditioned for a show at the Civic, and got a part. We opened this past Friday, had a great audience, a fun show, and I'm looking forward to two more weekends of performances. This is, however, the first big part I've had in a show in eight years and it was definitely a stressful process. I'm no longer used to memorizing lines or tight, three-part harmonies with choreographed pseudo-ballet movement attached. I've really spent a lot of the rehearsal process re-learning how to be a performer, among other things.

A little over two weeks ago, I applied for the temporary master electrician job at the same theatre. I've now held that position for a week and a half, and while I'm not as stressed out as I thought I'd be going in, I'm still not used to thinking about the lighting for three shows at once, plus setting up for a fundraiser event. And I have an intern. As in, I'm someone's BOSS. It's crazy! I'm worried because I don't have a whole ton of experience, but they knew that when they hired me.

Two days ago, I got an email from one of the board members at Farmers Alley asking if I'd stage manage a two-day gala-type event that he and his family are wanting to put on in the space in November.

I also have nearly 1200 wedding photos to edit.

I am completely exhausted, but here I am, awake at 12:30 on a Sunday night, thinking about getting some tea before bed.

kjvcj,kljgcjnbv.

I'm manic. You know how I can tell? Besides the fact that it's 4:08am and I'm still completely awake, playing stupid games on Facebook, writing this blog, and hating absolutely everyone?

Oh wait, those are the reasons.

So hello, insomnia, my old friend.
And fuck all of you who actually ARE my friends.
Especially the person who just SHOWED UP ON MY PORCH LIKE I OWED YOU A GODDAMN EXPLANATION and the person who fucked up my makeup for the photo shoot today. If you wanted STAGE makeup, you shouldn't have told me to wear STREET makeup. stupid bitch.

The. End.

My stammer has been really bad the last couple of days as well. 

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

Oh, hey there - long time no chat!

I've noticed something about the people around me; they seem to be increasingly more wimpy. Just an observation.

Also I'm pretty sure my friend J has a thing for me. I always feel bad when the young ones dig me because I usually don't reciprocate, and if I do, I tend to eat them alive. See my above statement about being wimpy.

I think I've become more lethargic as of late, which is most unfortunate. I'm trying to combat my standard two-year depression cycle (I'm due...now) and so far I've kept afloat.

I'll try and keep you posted.

Running Shoes

Yep, I'm a slacker.

Yesterday, I got running shoes.

In other news, life! I've been cast in a show at the Civic, opening in October, so that's exciting! I also have another ME gig at Farmers Alley as well as some possible work in Saugatuck.

I've been feeling pretty strong lately, which is probably why I haven't written, but, knowing me, there's always something going on in my head - it just needs to be pinned down!

I went shooting with a friend today (cameras, not guns) and in the pictures of me, my arms just look so...thin. I didn't think I looked like a skeletor until today. And it's not my whole body, just my arms and shoulders. Do you know what that means? Yea, weightlifting. I wish I could afford to still have a gym membership.

But then, this man at the theatre told me I'm beautiful.

fear and loathing

I realized something the other day.

I'm afraid. Terrified, really. Terrified that I'll never be used to my emotional turbulence, frightened that I won't always be able to control it, scared of the long-term effects of the medication I'm not even taking right now. Sometimes it seems like trying to view myself from every angle keeps me from seeing myself.

Plus, I'm angry with my need for control. It almost feels like a necessity. If I don't have control, if I'm not keeping a vigilant eye inward, what happens? Will I lose myself again? I'll tell you one thing - it does nothing for my anxiety.

Not Actually Lost!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately.

I wrote that line and saved this post to drafts. Now, I'm teching a show at the Civic (33 Variations - go see it!!), I have a solid number of hours at Chenery in May, and I'll be the ME + spot op for a show down at Farmers Alley in June. When I have nothing to occupy my time, I get lost. It might actually be the lack of time in theatres that creates an illusion of being lost. Either way, I am well and happy. And I finally read The Hunger Games! I wasn't impressed with the writing, but the story is really well thought-out.

I've been doing a lot of knitting and sewing to fill my days, but last Saturday - a week and a half ago, I mean, the day before Easter - I spent a few hours in the hospital with a friend who tried to commit suicide. I'm concerned with how big a part this plays in my life.

I can't focus on this right now. I have to go to rehearsal.

I have an amazing life. I really, really do.

so there's these lists...

I know I've written at least a semi-religious post before, but today I discovered these lists posted on my roommates Facebook wall:

15 Reasons I Left Church
15 Reasons I Returned to the Church

They're interesting, if you're into that sort of thing - which I am, so I'm going to play with them! Yay!

Tonight's Topic: 15 Reasons I Left Church according to RHE

thunder rolling

This is MK. She is one of the happiest, sweetest, most enthusiastic people I've ever met. While I could probably fill a post with entertaining stories about all of the time we spent together in high school (like the time we almost got in a car accident on the way to the movies), this post is, selfishly enough, about me.

MK has become the woman I wanted to be. She is motivated to go halfway around the world to do what she can to help others. I have a few friends like this, actually - Matt leaves for the Peace Corp in the fall and Nathan and Tricia spent six months in Haiti last year, among others - and I am thankful to have had these people in my life. Partially because I can enjoy their experiences vicariously, and partially because it throws into focus how the image of my future self has changed with regard to others.

There's a verse from a song I know:

"Turn on my TV, there's a man tellin' me I can stop the hunger that's goin' on overseas. I won't send him my money, 'cause it won't do much good - I got people starvin' in my own neighborhood."

So as I sit here listening to the thunder, I can't help but think about those homeless in Kalamazoo that were grateful for today's warm weather, but are now concerned with finding shelter from the storm. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe it won't actually rain tonight and everyone can rest easy on 60-degree concrete.

I suppose I'm just saying that I think a stronger home base will give us the strength and resources to help those in other communities. I can't single-handedly change national or world politics - not yet, at least - but I have the ability to help those around me.

It's entirely possible that living with a social worker is starting to rub off on me!

I have had a night.

I have had a night.

It began with my brother being a massive jerk and making me cry.

It ended with "Part of my journey is learning to give more freely to others, and I am finally starting to like it."

a mixing bowl metaphor

This is a mixing bowl. It collapses!
And oh, hey, so do I!
What a coincidence!

You combine things in this bowl to make something new!
I have mixed episodes and feel like I'm going crazy!
Dissimilar and really not coincidental at all!

Now that I've used my allotted amount of exclamation points for this post, I think it's safe to say that I'm one of the following: rapid cycling, having a mixed episode. To be honest, I can't tell the difference, but either way I feel like I'm going nuts. One minute I think I'm great, happy, excited, whatever, the next I'm crying. Is this what menopause is like? More importantly, 25 years from now, is my menopause going to be twice as bad because of my bipolar? Or will it be better because of my medication? Ok, I suppose that's not really more important than my current state. I've been feeling a little off lately, but I just assumed it was because of show stress (tomorrow is tech Sunday). Perhaps it's that coupled with the excitement of Brian being home. I can't describe how I feel because it changes from moment to moment - I knew I had a laundry list of things to finish before rehearsal tomorrow, but I didn't get them all finished even though I had more than enough time.

I feel a little bit flimsy. Something else I have in common with the mixing bowl!

I'm in a glass case of emotion!

Brian is home. I really missed him. He's 21 now! We're going to get tattoos and go out for drinks and hopefully, you know, actually spend time together. Usually when he's home I see him for 20 minutes and he's with his friends the rest of the time. Family dinner tomorrow!

I've had an off week, I think. I'm thinking in fragmented sentences. It's 2h30am and I have to be at the aud in 6 hours.

making me smile isn't hard...

...but sometimes people surprise me and the smiles mean more.

2 days until Brian comes home!

My mom called me an adult today.

I like to think I'm good at making it up as I go, but up until this point in my life, I've never really had to. I've always been a planner. Sure, I can do spontaneous trips to the beach or up north to visit a friend, but I've never really had to play my whole life by ear. Let me rephrase that: I've never really let myself play my whole life by ear. I tend to be too fiscally cautious.

Of course, by fiscally cautious, I mean cheap. Now, that's not a negative by any means - in fact it's served me well thus far, which is why right now I have the freedom to work shows and do what I love for a living. And that's not to say I'm not taking the necessary steps to transfer my 403b from the clinic into a 401k from the schools or taking a less active role in my investments, it just means that I'm allowing myself to live in a more expensive house - in exchange for purchasing less clothing and switching to a cheaper cell phone company, among other things, haha.





I'm too distracted to finish this right now. It's late and Brian comes home in 9 days! Also, GOLD BODY SUIT.

A Theatrical Chronography

At age 7, I took my first acting class.
At age 9, I teched my first show.
At age 11, I performed in my first musical.
At age 12, I saw my first Broadway cast.
At age 15, I got my first leading role.
At age 17, I had my first on-stage kiss.
At age 19, I assistant directed my first show.
At age 21, I stage managed my first show.
And now, at age 23, I have received my first credit as assistant lighting designer.

When I was younger, theatre was a source of great catharsis for me. I loved pretending to be someone else, I loved singing every thought and feeling, and, let's be honest, I loved being the center of attention (and still do! haha). Theatre taught me self-awareness, how to read people, and the value of silence, among other things. I just wish I could say it taught me comedic timing!

My mother always used to tell me to settle on a career, to just pick something, and my response generally expressed my inability to choose because I wanted to do everything! Now that I'm immersed in the technical aspects of theatre and have both time and opportunity to absorb as much knowledge as I can, I've realized that this is exactly why I am so enraptured with the entire theatrical process. I want to do everything, and theatre provides that for me. Every show gives me the chance to learn something new about almost anything; carpentry and construction, electrical, finance, music, sewing, dancing, speaking, light, composition, acoustics, computers, metalworking, combat, history, people.

Last night was the first opportunity I've had to sit down and actually watch Phantom of the Opera at Portage Central. I was absolutely blown away! The production value is incredible, the cast is fantastically talented, and it is amazing to see all of my hours of work come to fruition. "My" scenes - the ones where my lighting work played a major part - made my jaw drop. Seriously, the rooftop scene nearly made me cry! I am so lucky to have the opportunity to work with and learn from the rest of the staff on this production. They are not only brilliant at their respective jobs but also really incredible people.

I can't believe that this is what I do for a living.

Here is where I begin the year

Still nothing back from Matt after my response to his angry, holiday-hating letter.

Moving in a few short weeks! I need to start packing. And redo my budget. Speaking of...

Things I can potentially cut from my budget:
clothes, hair dye, Netflix, craft supplies (unless they start earning some revenue, of course)

Ways I can earn money to pay for things:
- Applied at a couple of places, Goodwill included.
- Going to start making aprons. A lot of aprons. The one I made mi madre for Christmas turned out so well I'm thinking about selling them.

THEATRE!:
- I was asked to help the lighting designer and ME for Phantom of the Opera at Portage Central! SO PUMPED! I anticipate a ton of learning coming my way.
- I'm possibly going to SM a cabaret for Center Stage in March!
- Not working at Farmer's Alley again until Light in the Piazza in June. I don't know if I can go that long without a show there! Maybe I can work God of Carnage in April as well.
- This will be the year I audition for All Ears. Seriously. I don't know why I've never actually done it before.
- Applying to be a class assistant for winter workshops down at the Civic. Never hurts!