ridiculous.

I am, again, wide awake at 2h30 am. and I want to go outside a run a mile...or something like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm edging up on hypomania. I'm starting to want to take on a lot of projects and my mind is getting faster - which is funny because the other day I was thinking about how I miss being able to think that quickly. if I start stammering within the next week I'm definitely going to give Dr. M. a call.

here's what will happen:

1. Dr. M. will up my dose
2. Dr. M. will up my dose and give me something to help me sleep
3. Dr. M. will put me back on lithium (I think it's too early to tell on this one)
4. I will become hypomanic and screw something up - probably my job, possibly a friendship or two. not that I have all that many of those left. also, I may (unintentionally) injure myself again.
5. WHY AM I SUDDENLY OBSESSED WITH MAKING LISTS?

the fact that I can't sleep is not helping my mental status at all. seriously, I'm about to start crying. bloody hell. please sleep, I want you!

12-Step Program

How to make April 2011 pretty much awful:

1. Bronchitis
2. Asthma + Bronchitis
3. Stop bipolar meds in exchange for antibiotics and steroids for the bronchitis and asthma
4. No eating because of illnesses
5. Medication change from lithium to oxcarbazepine
6. Oxcarbazepine causing insomnia
7. Irritate tendon and nerve in right elbow
8. Two weeks later tear TFCC in right wrist
9. Moving across town while injured
10. Skip work because of a combination of wrist and elbow pain and medication wooziness
11. No internet for almost the entire month
12. Force myself to stay away from the tattoo parlor

playoff beards

I just had a 20 minute conversation about beards with an old coworker/friend-ish person guy.

pretty much awesome. but again, 1h20 am and still awake.

Kami.

she just made me smile. I met her (haven't seen her since) two years ago and she just im'd me out of nowhere to tell me I'm awesome and to say this:

"You're one of those people who people wish they could be like... all carefree and naturally gorgeous because you are you and no one else."

[side note: why am I still awake...again? it's 2h30 am! I think I will blame the new meds...I'll give it a couple more days before I call my pdoc.]

back in the saddle...again

it's been awhile since I've had internet and been able to post...

went to the pdoc on Friday and he changed my meds - from lithium to oxcarbazepine (trileptal) and so far so good. although I've taken a whopping 4 doses, haha.

I'm tired. it's 1h15am and I have to work at 8h30. so that's 6 hours sleep, max. but the boss is on vacation! shabam!

oh yea, I have a boyfriend. hah! we'll see how well that turns out. every time I freak out he tells me he knew what he was getting himself into by dating me. yea, it makes me feel suuuuuper awesome about myself.

I need someone to tell me to take my meds.

I can't do this right now. Please? For most people this is considered a breakdown, but for me this is...normal. Being sick made my moods go bonkers, AND I stopped taking my lithium for a few days because of the antibiotics. And oh look what happened. I'm a fucking idiot.

I've been consistently crying, eating, and thinking about getting something else pierced for the last 3 days. So does this (plus other things, don't worry) mean I'm depressed or manic? Oh hey, it's BOTH.

Like I said, I'm a fucking idiot. Caitlin is texting me and she's all baby happy and I just wanna sit around and do nothing until forever.

I emailed Madison's dad about living in her basement last week, and he called me but I never called back. Partially because I don't want to, partially because talking on the phone with strangers make my anxiety skyrocket. I emailed him today and he said to just let him know when I want to move in and how long I want to stay, so at least I can actually still live there.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING HAS GOTTEN WORSE SINCE MY DIAGNOSIS? Apparently that's pretty normal - you're diagnosed and you start to become more aware of your emotional swings. I should probably do some sort of mood charting, but I don't even want to start, because I won't remember to do it and then I'll be angry with myself later for not.

down with the sickness

I have bronchitis. I think being sick made my moods worse. I don't really feel like writing anything.