I don't hear voices.

yesterday I joined MDJunction support groups for bipolar disorder, just to try and learn some things about myself from others who have more experience than I do.

I learned another symptom of hypomania/mania that reconfirms my diagnosis: hallucinations. I don't see bugs or mice crawling when they're not there or anything like that. I see faces in ceilings, stucco walls, slices of bread, anything with texture. I really just thought it was my imagination having fun - like it did when I was a kid - although it caught me by surprise, so that should have been a red flag. Thinking about it, I remember having a panic attack of sorts...I was maybe 19 at the time, living in the dorm at school where the ceilings are very textured, and I remember crying while my eyes flitted about the ceiling searching for a spot where I didn't see a face.

Let me be clear, though - I don't hear voices.

I lift my lamp beside the golden door

I keep forgetting to take my meds. And I've had a terrific headache the last few days. Cause and effect? Possibly.

I've been feeling relatively estranged today. But I'm doing a show, so hopefully that will kick some of my old self back into gear.

I need to find somewhere to live. Maybe the basement room in Sam's house is available? Mental notes: email Madison about room, buy mom's birthday gift.

knit one

it's been a while.

not much new on the bipolar/meds/moods front, except that I'm beginning to be able to tell the difference between before and after the lithium. most notably, my mind doesn't race anymore! my mouth can actually keep up with it, which is exciting, but at the same time depressing. that is one of the things that made me so easily excited, and while I still am easily excited, I feel like I try and force it sometimes because I'm used to being far more energetic.

and now on to the stupid, typical boy dramarama.

there are two boys. we'll call them R and D. I used to date D 2 1/2 years ago. D still wants to be together, and I most definitely do not.

R, on the other hand, I think I would very much like to date, and he reciprocates, but we can't until I decide I want to have sex. because if we don't have sex he can't "make an emotional connection". if it were any other guy I'd say it was a cop-out, but R is 100% the most honest person I have ever met and there is no way we would have had the conversations about sex that we have if he (we) weren't. so I believe the things he says and really I think I like him all the more for it.

existential crisis

ok, I'm feeling weird. I think maybe I'm PMSing. I just feel anxious and confused and jittery and I'm starving. I wish I had better words for this.

...it looks like muddy water and tastes like turpentine

can I just say that my little brother is by far one of the bravest and most badass people I have even met? good, because I just did.

when I fist started have issues with depression when I was 18, I would come home and cry to my parents. my mother, being the unfeeling creature that she is, had no idea what to do, and of course did and said all the wrong things. it's not her fault, she was just ignorant of the situation. the next time I entered a major depressive episode, I avoided my parents - well, my mom at least. and this past fall (episode #3) I pretty much avoided both of them.

my brother is having similar issues, and I think it took him a lot less time to realize that our mother is terrible at dealing with negative things. he called me today and we talked for 45 minutes because he wanted to know how I have felt and compare it to what he is feeling in order to paint a more complete picture for his doctor tomorrow. it is really starting to amaze me how alike he and I are. I don't mean likes and dislikes, but more fundamental character traits. For example, we are both happier when we are 100% in control, we are both very self-aware, we just...are finally starting to understand each other.

he is far braver than I, to be able to go through this while he is in the military and on the other side of the country.

hubris

Now that I'm feeling "over the hump", so to speak, I have far less to say.

Every person has three major faults: ignorance, pride, and an opinion.