watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" in a movie theater is fantastic

I feel horribly lost today. drowning in my head. I don't know if I can handle all of the time it will take to balance out. I have good physical balance and I would happily give it up if it meant I could be mentally balanced instead.

I'm fighting an internal conflict. one side is glad I'm on medication, excited for the day when it will all kick in and I will snap out of it. the other side is angry and confused, wondering why I'm putting more chemicals into my body, freaking out about side effects, crying because I'm never going to be the same person again, scared that the drugs will make my personality flat. logically, of course, I'm siding with the former. or at least I'm trying to.

why don't I have a counselor yet? that will be priority numero uno for tomorrow.

today my brother turned 20

Dear Catwoman,

I just found a poem I wrote about you, dated 12/27/10.

Apples

I know a woman powered by breath
who lives off words and whiskey and
apples she collects like men.
coon skulls and plastic feet map out points on a grid with no mathematical function
except a dance with a mustache in a sweater vest

sometimes my head is spinning
but I come home to deer in my front yard who watch me
climb from my car and up the porch steps without darting away
and I know she is watching me

 I miss you.

Love,
Carrie

cardinal directions

this week was awful.

I feel like I have no words anymore, you know? like everything I have ever said is the summation of everything I ever will say. I'm never going to learn much more than I already know and I'm not going to grow any more. my mind is freezing as my body gets older. I will fight it.

Thursday I went to see my shrink for a med check. SURPRISE! I'm bipolar. it's not really a surprise, I guess - just an overwhelming explanation for the last few years of my life. over the last two days a desire to apologize to everyone has been building up in my head. an "I'm sorry if I flaked/freaked out/fucked up somehow and here's why" kind of deal. but I just keep telling myself that being bipolar is a reason, not an excuse. massive difference. and if I'm bipolar, then I'm going to try and embrace it, because any other course of action would quite possibly be even more detrimental to my mental health.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a little while yesterday and she was asking me all kinda of questions about being bipolar. somehow we ended up on the topic of my weight - apparently she didn't know that when I was 17 and looked really thin that she used to tell me I looked too skinny and I needed to eat something nearly every day, and that it got to the point where I didn't even want to look in the mirror. She kept denying it, saying that she never had a big concern about my weight except once in the 6th grade when I lost weight because I was overextended. I sent her a message on Facebook with a link attached to some information on bipolar II, and this is the message I got back from her this morning:

"Thanks for the info. Guess I really haven't spent much time around you in the last 4 years or so. I've seen the depression but not mania. Things like overspending and pretentiousness? Anyway, got to thinking about your comments on weight when you were a teen. Dad and I did go through a period of time when we were concerned about you having an eating disorder. Didn't realize it carried over into my interactions w/you. You have probably noticed I don't really have comforting words when it comes to bad things in a person's life. Just not good w/that stuff; even for my own children. Its hard being imperfect and not wanting to be. Let me know how I can support you. I just know there are plenty of people out there w/bipolar that are having great lives. I know a couple. I always think of you as strong enough to handle what life throws at you, but if you need something, please ask."

 It hasn't been until recently that I am finding out just how highly my mother thinks of me.

I always hoped my life wouldn't be this kind of hard. I need a compass.