whoa, slow your roll!

I don't think I've ever cycled that quickly before, it's kinda freaking me out. I was just laying on my bed eating rice and crying, then like two songs later I was up doing dishes, thinking about this job that I applied for and actually being productive...and now I'm somewhere in between the two. I can't type tonight - I'm having to fix every third word or so because I type it wrong. Also, I should probably stop picking at my new tattoo. I'll vacuum tomorrow. Maybe. Also, I will call a counselor tomorrow. Maybe.

this week has been weird

I got claustrophobia for the first time this week.

And tonight I had this weird episode of sorts where I felt like I was caught somewhere in between a fever and vertigo.

I don't really feel like writing anything else.

I will dance ribbons of moonlight

The longer I stay awake the harder it is to fall asleep.

My anxiety was through the roof today, it was awful.

But I have a couple of recommendations for good counselors from some friends, so we'll see where that leads me.

Cyclical

I do believe I have officially entered cycle #3 of my life with depression. And here I was, hoping that it would skip a generation, skip a decade, skip a beat. For the time being, it seems like my depression hits about every 2 years. It generally hits every late summer/early fall, and varies in intensity and functional level.

Cycle #1 (Fall 2006):
Freshman year of college. I thought that was the cause so I did nothing. I handled it relatively well, I think. No medication. No failed classes. Success?

Cycle #2 (Summer/Fall 2008-Winter 2009):
Sonofabitch, worst time of my life. It got so bad I stayed in my dorm for days on end, oscillating between sleeping for 20 hours a night and not sleeping at all. Failed an entire semester of classes. Spent 9 months taking Celexa and different levels of Welbutrin, along with meds to help me put weight back on.

Cycle #3 (Right Now):
Trying to self medicate with exercise - hey, it works for my brother. We'll see how it goes. I have one song on repeat and don't feel like doing anything but sleep. I've been a little late to work every day for the last 2+ weeks but my boss hasn't said anything. Polls open bright and early tomorrow and I'm only a little excited - definitely not a good sign. I should be absolutely stoked to go vote, per usual.

I think I'm going to try and blog the shit out of this sucker.
Ugh.